Obama Beans County Register » media

From the Editors: A Public Apology and A Major Announcement

obeams — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 22:00:39 +0000

After the recent criticism over Seth McFarlane’s performance at the Academy Awards show and the controversy over an Onion writer’s twitter about one of the Oscar nominees, the Editors of Obamabeans believe it’s time to issue our annual apology to anyone, living or dead, who has been offended by one of our articles. Although we strive to be politically correct, it is difficult for our writers to navigate the rather complicated rules involving political correctness, which are not only unwritten but are in a constant state of flux.

Therefore we are excited to announce the publication of “The Obamabeans County Register Guidelines for Politically Correct Speech” sometime later this year. We feel this new book is deeply needed and are rushing to bring it to publication as soon as possible. Perhaps if our book had been available to Mr. McFarlane he might have been dissuaded to sing about seeing famous actresses’ boobs, even though many have been handsomely compensated for displaying said boobs. It might have also kept Alec Baldwin from screaming racial epithets and prevented Joe Biden from speaking at all.

Looking at previous efforts to issue guidelines in this area, we noticed that many were out of date and others suffered from so much political correctness that they didn’t really tell you anything. We at Obamabeans County Register vow to tackle the issues head-on, not pulling any punches. (Editor’s note: This last sentence was a test. “Not pulling any punches” is a masculine phrase and promotes violence. A better, more gender neutral choice of words would have been ” not rattling any staples”. Yes, we know that phrase doesn’t really make any sense, but that’s not the point.) We recognize that our efforts may get some people’s “panties in a wad” (Yes. another test. Better to have said “undergarments in an uncomfortable but nonsexist position”), but we will not let these people stop us; unless they say mean or hurtful things about us which may force us to drop the project completely.

[Update: it has been pointed out to us that the use of the word “boobs” is sexist. If our new guidelines had been available prior to the publication of this article, we might have avoided this mistake: just another great example of why our book is so important. We haven’t completed the female anatomy section of the guidelines yet, so right now we’re going for “upper lady parts” in place of boobs, but this is subject to change.]

©Obamabeans 3/8/2013

Washington Post Reports on Lack of Print Interviews Granted by White House

obeams — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 22:37:01 +0000

The Washington Post recently reported on the dearth of interviews granted by President Obama to the print media. He has not been interviewed by the Post for four years; The New York Times last interviewed him in 2010, and the President has never been interviewed by The Los Angeles Times, The Boston Globe, or The Chicago Tribune. Instead the President has focused all communication with the public throught television and radio.

Many editors at these publications are angry; they feel that four plus years of obsequiousness should have provided them with much more access to the President. When White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was asked about this, he replied: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”.

©Obamabeans 02/27/2013

MSNBC To Offer New Interview Show

obeams — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 22:08:42 +0000

MSNBC announced today that it was adding an exciting new interview show immediately following Chris Matthew’s Hardball. The new program will feature a series of interviews with various famous and powerful people conducted by Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes. The new show, titled Softball, will debut with an exclusive interview with President Obama that covers in depth several of the issues previously discussed in Kroft’s recent interview with the President on 60 Minutes.

Some of the things to be discussed with the President:

What is your favorite color?
How did your childhood prepare you for greatness?
How much better than Larry Bird would you have been if you had chosen to pursue a career in professional basketball?
Would our country truly be a utopia if we didn’t have Republicans?
How does it feel to be the world’s smartest person?
Is there anything you’re not good at?
Will you ever die?
Are there any current plans to rename the country after you?

The following week Kroft plans to interview former President George W. Bush.

Some of the questions he plans to ask Bush:

When did you decide to become a war criminal?
Isn’t it true that everything wrong with the country began with your presidency?
Don’t you feel bad about making it so hard for President Obama?
Can you prove that you graduated from high school? Did your father bribe high officials so that you could graduate?
Don’t you just hate looking in the mirror every morning?