Category Archives: Uncategorized

Following the announcement last week that the Dutch had passed a law requiring beauticians and barbers to charge the same price for male and female haircuts, Democratic lawmakers in this country are seeking to pass a similar bill.  Per Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi:  “This may be one of the last major barriers to true equality for women.  We plan to introduce this bill to the House next month along with a companion bill making it compulsory for men to wear high heels in public.  The great cause moves onward!”

©Obamabeans 01/24/2013

White House Spokesperson Jay Carney was asked by reporters today why there was no mention of jobs in the President’s inauguration speech yesterday. Per Carney: “The President had intended to address his plans for increasing job opportunities, but he had a certain time limit he wished to meet with his speech and realized it would only allow him to address the really important issues.”

©Obamabeans 01/23/2013

Obamabeans understands that many of our readers lead hectic schedules and will find it hard to read the entire transcript of the President’s speech.  In an effort to help them understand the gist of the speech without all the soaring metaphors, etc., the following is a summary:

• Hope = Good
• Change = Good
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• Spending limits = Bad
• Tax increases = Good
• Fairness = Good
• Democrats = Good
• Republicans = Bad
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• White House = Good
• House of Representatives = Bad
• Rich people = Bad*
•      *Exception: Rich celebrities = Good
• Undocumented workers =  Good
• “Green jobs” = Good
• Real jobs = Bad
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• Big Business = Bad
• Big Banks = Good
• Negotiations = Bad
• Doing things my way = Good
• Guns = Bad
• 2nd Amendment = Bad
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• Most of the Constitution = Good

After assembling this summary, some of our editors were concerned that we left out too much detail; however, after further review it was established that there actually was no detail present in the speech.

©Obamabeans 01/22/2013       

Following last week’s announcement that Notre Dame Linebacker Manti Te’o's girlfriend was fake, Notre Dame officials were forced to admit today that Manti Te’o was fake as well.  Officials said that a professional actor was used to portray Manti during interviews and at press conferences, while octogenarian Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus, wearing copious amounts of makeup, played Teo’s linebacker position through most of the season.  The scheme began to unravel when the Notre Dame coaching staff realized that Butkus would be unable to play in the national championship game due to scheduled hip replacement surgery.  At the last minute, the team was forced to draft Rudy (Rudy Ruettiger,who played for Notre Dame in the 1974/1975 seasons) to play the linebaker position in the final game.  Rudy had never played linebaker and was ineffective in Notre Dame’s loss to Alabama.

Notre Dame officials continue to deny that the entire team was fake, or that their entire 2012 schedule was fake as well.

©Obamabeans 01/22/2013

1.     The Andy Griffith Show

2.     Hoosiers

3.     Colt 45

©Obamabeans 01/21/2013

1.     ________

2.     ________

3.    Coarsity

4.     ________

5.     ________

©Obamabeans 01/20/2013

1.     Slingshots

2.     Running with scissors (see earlier Obamabeans feature dated 1/15/2013)

3.     Adult males over 5’6” tall (exception for professional atheletes)

©Obamabeans 01/15/2013

Vice President Joe Biden told a group of reporters yesterday that he was opposed to the “trillion dollar platinum coin” proposal recently floated by a few progressive economists. “It’s just not practical” said Biden. “I mean, the coin would have to be the size of a bus.  What good is a coin the size of a bus; I mean, where could you spend it?”   When his staff explained to him that the coin would not necessarily be any larger than most conventional coins, Biden remained opposed.  “Look, if it’s the size of a regular coin and the President is carrying it around in his pocket, and he stops by Costco to buy some pies, the coin could fall out of his pocket and he might never even realize it.  It’d be ‘Whoops, Bang!’  There goes another trillion dollars! Nope, it’s just not practical” said Biden.

©Obamabeans 01/18/2013

Excerpt from President Obama’s address yesterday on raising the debt limit:

“ It’s like this: I inherited this metaphorical credit card from George Bush when I came into office.  Over his eight years in office, President Bush and the Republicans had already used up half of the credit limit on the card before I even came to office. Now, after my first four years in office, the nation’s credit limit has become maxed out.  Republicans are whining that we need to cut back on spending and start paying down the card, but folks, there’s a better solution.  It’s the same solution many of you have used yourselves.  We just get another  credit card! We just start charging the new card until it maxes out, and then we get another one! And so on and so on. Folks, it’s the same strategy millions of Americans have used in the past and are still using today- It’s the American way.”

©Obamabeans 01/17/2013

White House Spokesperson, Jay Carney, admitted today that “Bo”, the President’s dog is actually fake.  Carney said that all the pictures released by the White House showing the President and his family with “Bo”, were actually fabricated using various large cutouts of a dog owned by Vice President Biden’s sister-in-law.  Carney said that the Obama Campaign team believed they needed to appeal to PETA voters (single, successful, highly neurotic women), but were restricted by the fact that the President was allergic to dogs, cats, and most primates.

When Carney was asked by reporters about rumors that the President’s daughters, Malia and Natasha, were also fake, Carney said: “No comment.”

©Obamabeans 01/16/2013