After extensive research and discussion, the Editorial Staff here at the Obama Beans County Register have determined that New Year’s Day and New Year’s Eve are secular holidays and have no religion status. At first we had some concerns that it was a Druidic holiday and involved the Stonehench and certain pagan rites that cannot be mentioned in a family-friendly publication (except in San Francisco), but when we unable to find any Druids to confirm these issues, we made our decision.
So, we feel safe to say the following:
The Editorial Staff of The Obama Beans County Register Wish Everyone a Very Happy New Year!
Legal disclaimer: if any atheists out there feel we made a mistake, please take the issue up with the Druids, who should have answered our phone calls.
Also note: our staff, having just fully recovered from our eggnog binge last weekend, is now starting on the hard stuff. Definitely no new articles till January 2nd, and that hinges on several factors: whether our senior editors try to dance the Limbo again, exactly how high the bail is set, and whether tomato juice is everything it’s cracked-up to be.
Vice President Joe Biden was admitted to a Bethesda hospital briefly yesterday for some minor elective surgery. When the Vice President was summoned to the White House for a meeting on the fiscal cliff on Thursday, he apparently was unaware the phrase “fiscal cliff” was actually a metaphor and attempted to wear a crash helmet to the meeting. Secret Service agents forcibly removed the helmet from the Vice President’s head, and in doing so damaged some of his more recent hair plugs which required replacement.
Television pundit Chris Matthews, speaking about his often quoted remark about President Obama’s 2008 nomination causing a “tingling down” his leg, expressed his frustration to one of our OB reporters, saying that he had been misquoted and never actually said the phrase “tingling down my leg”. Matthew’s said that what he actually said at the time was that Obama’s nomination caused him to ”pee down his leg”.
In response to critics who say that he has not done any new or interesting research for several years, Dr. Paul Krugman announced that he had recently completed a new and seminal work in economics, titled “Why I Always Lose at Monopoly”. In his book Dr. Krugman explains how the game is overwhelming biased against progressives and other enlightened individuals. In his analysis of the game, Krugman describes how greedy, unscrupulous opponents intentionally build hotels surrounding other players’ properties, demand outrageous rents, and, with the help of equally unscrupulous bankers, force bankruptcy on the other players. In a feat of breathtaking creativity, Krugman has proposed a new and completely revised version of the game. In this version, rent controls are placed on all properties, Boardwalk is nationalized and owned by all players in common, everyone is given free houses and free Community Chest cards, and, in place of receiving $200 for passing “Go”, players now receive one “See a Doctor in Under 18 months with Obamacare” card instead. In this updated version a new position is created, called “The Government”, which now owns the bank, actually rolls the dice and moves the tokens for all the players, and hands out money based on a complicated set of rules yet to be determined. According to Krugman, “Any idiot can now play and not lose; in fact, you don’t even need to be present to play.” No word on when or if Parker Brothers intend to implement these changes.
The New York Times reported that they had a obtained a copy of Donald Trump’s birth certificate showing that he had been born in Swaziland. The Swaziland ambassador to the United States immediately responded, saying that Swaziland was seriously considering a libel suit against the Times.
3. Down the hall and to the left; no, it’s to the right.
1. Spending cuts
2. “Well, slap my a** and call me Sally”
3. penny loafers
1. English weights and measures (too old-fashioned)
2. Double shot expressos (unhealthy and dangerous)
On a related note, The McDonald Corporation announced that the Mayor’s recent decision will force a third major revision in their marketing plans for NYC. The company, which recently revised its marketing plan to feature three-sixteenth pound burgers with cheese due to the Mayor’s ban on quarter pound hamburgers, then was forced to modify that plan to comply with the Mayor’s ban on cheese, now is fervently working a a campaign to market 85 gram burgers.
Santa Claus was freed from a California jail after posting bail. A representative from the North Pole said that Santa should still be able to complete his rounds on schedule. Santa Claus had been arrested by California State police for violating several state environmental regulations as well as the Endangered Species Act. Santa reportedly paid his bail entirely with Christmas cookies and Legos toys. His hearing is set for early January.
The Editorial Staff at ObamaBeans wish everyone a “Merry Christmas” and a “Happy Hanukkah”!
For those of you offended by this, our apologies. For you, we wish a “Random, Happy, Politically-Correct Celebration of Judeo/Christian Values But in No Way Has Anything To Do With Religion” Day!
Please note that our Editoral Staff is already snockered on eggnog and will not be sober in time to publish any new stories until December 26th.