New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today the findings of a study financed by the Mayor and conducted by the Berkeley Science and Health Institute of Technology (B.S.H.I.T.). The study, called Big Gulps and Guns, A Deadly Combination, found a statistical relationship between the drinking of oversize sodas, commonly referred to as Big Gulps, and gun violence. According to study, over 99% of all gun-related murders in t his country over the last five years have been committed by someone who drank a Big Gulp or similar sized soda less than four hours before the murder. The study goes on to demonstrate that there is a 40% chance of a person committing a serious crime before bedtime on any day that he/she consumes a plus sized soda. According to the mayor, “This demonstrates why it is so important to ban both guns and Big Gulps. By taking action on these two issues at the same time, we can with great certainty eliminate gun violence in America. But the benefits don’t need to be limited to just the United States. That’s why I’m taking my Guns and Big Gulps campaign overseas to the Middle East, both to Israel and the Arab nations. Perhaps we finally have within in our power the tool to solve the Middle East conflict for once and for all.”
Filed under big gulp, bill maher, bloomberg, dennis miller, gun control, humor, jon stewart, mayor bloomberg, New York City, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, soft drink ban, soft drinks, the onion, Uncategorized
Former Missouri Senatorial candidate Todd Akin gave a lengthy interview last week to one of our illustrious Obamabeans reporters (Editor’s Note: We do not list our reporters’ names/bylines on any of our stories. We feel this causes them to think they’re important, become petulant, and eventually lose all objectivity; reference the New York Times. Plus they always seem to want to be paid more, and even paid on time.) Mr. Akins talked about his Senate run, the hurdles he faced, and some of the lessons he learned. Shockingly, Mr. Akin claims he never intended to say that rape victims rarely get pregnant. Mr. Akins says that what he intended to say was that “grape” victims rarely get pregnant. Our reporter, confused by this statement, attempted to ask Mr. Akin what “grape” victims were, but was denied a reply.
Immediately following the interview , the National Organization of Women began an e-mail campaign to make “grape” a sex crime, punishable by 10 years in prison.
Key questions to be answered: What about raisins? How will the wine industry react? These important issues will be discussed in future Obamabeans articles.
© Obamabeans.com 4.23.2013
Take a few seconds today to say a prayer for the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing.
God Bless America.
The White House responded today to critics of The Affordable Health Care Act, commonly known as Obamacare, who have repeatedly claimed the act will add trillions of dollars to the national debt over the next several years. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters that the act will not add one penny to the national debt. Carney said “When these people crunch the numbers and come up with the giant cost increases, they are omitting one key piece of data from their calculations. The Department of Health and Human Services now estimates that any cost increases to individual care will be more than offset by the shrinking number of people on the program. By increasing the waiting time for critical procedures by months or even years due to the red tape created and the mass doctor retirements that result, the department now calculates that number of people who die waiting for care will create enough savings to offset all costs. The great thing here is that a dead person has no health care costs. And if a few people have to die for us to achieve our goal of universal health care, well, we think that’s a good trade-off.”
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, jon stewart, obamacare, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Representative Diana DeGette (D-Colo.) today defended herself against critics whom have claimed that DeGette did not know what high capacity magazines were. “I know exactly what high capacity magazines are. They are magazines published by right wing gun nuts that propagandize for gun ownerships and are probably funded by N.R.A. advertising. I’ve never actually read the Constitution, but I’ve read quite a bit about it and I realize the 2nd Amendment says that people have the right to say anything they want to, but enough is enough. These magazines need to be shut down and their printing presses destroyed.”
Filed under bill maher, dennis miller, gun control, humor, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized
Recently Obamabeans reporters had a chance to interview Arthur Sulzberger, publisher of the New York Times. In the interview Mr. Sulzberger was asked about David Brooks’ role at the Times, and whether Brooks was there as a “token” conservative writer. David Brooks is a columnist with the Times and is often cited as the lone conservative voice there, with the remaining columnists, including Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, Gail Collins, Thomas Friedman, etc. firmly in the progressive category. Mr. Sulzberger’s reply was as follows:
“The short answer is ‘no’, David is not our ‘token’ conservative. Our policy at the Times is to hire the best writers and the best thinkers out there. David is certainly one of the best columnists writing today. And besides, David is not really that conservative. For gosh sakes, he was at one time even excited about Barack Obama becoming President, even if it was only for a very brief time. I will admit to a kind of tokenism of a different sort. Before we hired David, the editors and myself had decided that to add some diversity to our panel of columnists, we should try to find at least one writer who was not pompous, condescending, and altogether full of himself, just to counterbalance to some degree all the other writers at the Times. Luckily we found David who fit the bill on all accounts.”
Filed under arthur sulzberger, barack obama, bill maher, david brooks, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, new york times, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, political humor, satire, sulzberger, the onion, Uncategorized
Vice President Joe Biden told reporters today that he went “commando” throughout the entire 2012 Presidential Campaign. When asked by reporters why, Biden said “I felt like it just put a little extra bounce in my step”.
Filed under bill maher, dennis miller, humor, joe biden, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, Vice President Biden