New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today the findings of a study financed by the Mayor and conducted by the Berkeley Science and Health Institute of Technology (B.S.H.I.T.). The study, called Big Gulps and Guns, A Deadly Combination, found a statistical relationship between the drinking of oversize sodas, commonly referred to as Big Gulps, and gun violence. According to study, over 99% of all gun-related murders in t his country over the last five years have been committed by someone who drank a Big Gulp or similar sized soda less than four hours before the murder. The study goes on to demonstrate that there is a 40% chance of a person committing a serious crime before bedtime on any day that he/she consumes a plus sized soda. According to the mayor, “This demonstrates why it is so important to ban both guns and Big Gulps. By taking action on these two issues at the same time, we can with great certainty eliminate gun violence in America. But the benefits don’t need to be limited to just the United States. That’s why I’m taking my Guns and Big Gulps campaign overseas to the Middle East, both to Israel and the Arab nations. Perhaps we finally have within in our power the tool to solve the Middle East conflict for once and for all.”
Filed under big gulp, bill maher, bloomberg, dennis miller, gun control, humor, jon stewart, mayor bloomberg, New York City, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, soft drink ban, soft drinks, the onion, Uncategorized
Former Missouri Senatorial candidate Todd Akin gave a lengthy interview last week to one of our illustrious Obamabeans reporters (Editor’s Note: We do not list our reporters’ names/bylines on any of our stories. We feel this causes them to think they’re important, become petulant, and eventually lose all objectivity; reference the New York Times. Plus they always seem to want to be paid more, and even paid on time.) Mr. Akins talked about his Senate run, the hurdles he faced, and some of the lessons he learned. Shockingly, Mr. Akin claims he never intended to say that rape victims rarely get pregnant. Mr. Akins says that what he intended to say was that “grape” victims rarely get pregnant. Our reporter, confused by this statement, attempted to ask Mr. Akin what “grape” victims were, but was denied a reply.
Immediately following the interview , the National Organization of Women began an e-mail campaign to make “grape” a sex crime, punishable by 10 years in prison.
Key questions to be answered: What about raisins? How will the wine industry react? These important issues will be discussed in future Obamabeans articles.
© Obamabeans.com 4.23.2013
The White House responded today to critics of The Affordable Health Care Act, commonly known as Obamacare, who have repeatedly claimed the act will add trillions of dollars to the national debt over the next several years. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters that the act will not add one penny to the national debt. Carney said “When these people crunch the numbers and come up with the giant cost increases, they are omitting one key piece of data from their calculations. The Department of Health and Human Services now estimates that any cost increases to individual care will be more than offset by the shrinking number of people on the program. By increasing the waiting time for critical procedures by months or even years due to the red tape created and the mass doctor retirements that result, the department now calculates that number of people who die waiting for care will create enough savings to offset all costs. The great thing here is that a dead person has no health care costs. And if a few people have to die for us to achieve our goal of universal health care, well, we think that’s a good trade-off.”
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, jon stewart, obamacare, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Recently Obamabeans reporters had a chance to interview Arthur Sulzberger, publisher of the New York Times. In the interview Mr. Sulzberger was asked about David Brooks’ role at the Times, and whether Brooks was there as a “token” conservative writer. David Brooks is a columnist with the Times and is often cited as the lone conservative voice there, with the remaining columnists, including Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, Gail Collins, Thomas Friedman, etc. firmly in the progressive category. Mr. Sulzberger’s reply was as follows:
“The short answer is ‘no’, David is not our ‘token’ conservative. Our policy at the Times is to hire the best writers and the best thinkers out there. David is certainly one of the best columnists writing today. And besides, David is not really that conservative. For gosh sakes, he was at one time even excited about Barack Obama becoming President, even if it was only for a very brief time. I will admit to a kind of tokenism of a different sort. Before we hired David, the editors and myself had decided that to add some diversity to our panel of columnists, we should try to find at least one writer who was not pompous, condescending, and altogether full of himself, just to counterbalance to some degree all the other writers at the Times. Luckily we found David who fit the bill on all accounts.”
Filed under arthur sulzberger, barack obama, bill maher, david brooks, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, new york times, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, political humor, satire, sulzberger, the onion, Uncategorized
Vice President Joe Biden told reporters today that he went “commando” throughout the entire 2012 Presidential Campaign. When asked by reporters why, Biden said “I felt like it just put a little extra bounce in my step”.
Filed under bill maher, dennis miller, humor, joe biden, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, Vice President Biden
James Franco has been in the news a lot lately, and our celebrity editors here at Obamabeans have endeavored to keep his fans appraised of all his recent publicity, however puzzling. Here is their summary of his activity:
Franco appeared on Howard Stern’s radio show this week and told the audience that Lindsay Lohan wanted to sleep with him but he said no. Franco also said that he did not like Anne Hathaway but that they were still friends. He also said he had a current girlfriend but would not give her name. Earlier in the week Franco was seen at the New York Museum of Modern Art watching a performance art exhibit where the actress Tilda Swinton sleep in a glass box.
This leaves Franco’s fans with several questions: Did Franco not like Lindsay Lohan but still consider her a friend? Did Franco sleep with Anne Hathaway but still not like her? Is that why he doesn’t like her? Does he sleep with his girlfriend? Does he like her? Does he like Tilda Swinton? Is she a friend? Is she his girlfriend? Did Franco sleep with her, and if he did, was it in a glass cage? How does he attend college classes, lecture at universities, and still have time to do everything he does?
Other statements made by Franco this week:
He announced that he has just completed a new book of poetry, entitled Love Letters to Barack which he hopes will be published later this year.
Mr. Franco again publicly denied that the new movie, Oz the Great and Powerful, in which he stars, was autobiographical.
Filed under anne hathaway, bill maher, celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, james franco, jon stewart, lindsay lohan, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, tilda swinton, Uncategorized
California officials today were pleased to announce that the first shovel ready jobs will now be created in California four years after the Stimulus Package was passed. “It’s taken awhile for the jobs to show up but we’re glad they’re finally here” said Governor Jerry Brown. The jobs will be involved in creating a new landfill to bury the hundreds of defective solar panels from the now bankrupt Solyndra manufacturing facility in Fremont. Governor Brown also noted that these jobs are in reality “green jobs, even though most people might not see it that way at first”. Later in the day, Al Gore tweeted ”This is just further proof that the future of job creation in this country lay in Green Energy”.
Filed under al gore, bill maher, California, dennis miller, Governor Brown, green industry, humor, jerry brown, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, stimulus, Stimulus Package, the onion, Uncategorized
Vice President Joe Biden explained to reporters today that the $585,000 hotel bill for his one night stay in Paris is misleading. “I think there’s a big misunderstanding going on here” said the Vice President. “The $585,000 is actually in French dollars, which are worth only like ten percent of an American dollar. So you see the real cost is a lot closer to $17,000.”
Filed under bill maher, budget, dennis miller, humor, joe biden, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, sequester, the onion, Uncategorized, Vice President Biden
The White House today announced that they were proposing legislation to privatize the Treasury Department. Spokesperson Jay Carney said that the sale would result in an annual savings of up to one billion dollars. Said Carney “I think most of you know we are not a big fan of privatization here at the White House. But when you look at the large number of investment bank personnel that work at the Treasury Department and realize that they are performing the same functions and advocating the same policies that they did at their former employers, it just makes sense for them to stay at the big banks, do what they’re already doing, and save the tax payers’ money.” Carney said the contract would be awarded through competitive bidding, but that the decision had already been made that the winner would be Goldman Sachs.
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, budget, dennis miller, economy, Goldman Sachs, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
In a major editorial today in The New York Times, the editors congratulated Pope Francis on his election and urged him to quickly take steps to modernize the Church and to begin to make the Church once again relevant in modern society. Specifically they asked the new Pope to implement the following actions:
- Abandon celibacy as a requirement for the priesthood, while limiting sexual partners to no more than three a day.
- Actively promote abortion as a lifestyle decision.
- Promote the use of contraceptives.
- Embrace homosexuality, except for existing priests who may have been in the closet for years. These priests should be defrocked.
- Formally state that marriage can be between any number of people, any sex, any age, and any species.
- Rename Christmas Kwanzaa.
- Commit to making the next Pope a woman; immediately raise the number of woman priests, bishops, and archbishops to over 50% of the total, even if it means ordaining non-Christian women.
- Accept Islam as equal or superior to Christianity.
- Apologize to all people, living or dead, who may not have liked the Catholic Church, including Maureen Dowd.
- Embrace any other items on the Democratic Party Platform not previously mentioned.
Recognizing the power of tradition which has been present for centuries in the Catholic Church, The Times’ editors stated that the clergy could keep their robes and funny hats but wear them only on holidays.
If the new Pope is willing to make these changes, The Times then recommends he immediately take the following actions to modernize the image of the Church:
- Deliver Mass wearing sandals and a t-shirt.
- Make numerous appearances on Jay Leno, Dave Letterman, and The View.
- Schedule numerous photo ops with the Pope skiing in the Alps and windsurfing in the Caribbean.
- Take up skeet shooting as a hobby and occasionally golf with Tiger Woods.
- Vacation at George Clooney’s villa in the south of Italy.
- Date a supermodel and give her free run of the Vatican.
- Make sure the supermodel presents the award for Best Picture at the Oscars.
- Excommunicate Paul Ryan.
- Nominate President Obama for sainthood.
To encourage the new Pope to quickly take these actions, Maureen Dowd, columnist for The Times, has agreed to quit sending hate mails to the Pope and stop circulating anonymous emails containing a picture of a well known porn star with the Pope’s face superimposed.
The Times editors noted that some critics might say that, if these changes were implemented, the Catholic Church would be no different than the Episcopalians; the editors then iterated that the priests get to keep their robes and funny hats.
Filed under abortion, barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, george clooney, humor, jon stewart, maureen dowd, new york times, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, pope, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized