California officials today were pleased to announce that the first shovel ready jobs will now be created in California four years after the Stimulus Package was passed. “It’s taken awhile for the jobs to show up but we’re glad they’re finally here” said Governor Jerry Brown. The jobs will be involved in creating a new landfill to bury the hundreds of defective solar panels from the now bankrupt Solyndra manufacturing facility in Fremont. Governor Brown also noted that these jobs are in reality “green jobs, even though most people might not see it that way at first”. Later in the day, Al Gore tweeted ”This is just further proof that the future of job creation in this country lay in Green Energy”.
Filed under al gore, bill maher, California, dennis miller, Governor Brown, green industry, humor, jerry brown, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, stimulus, Stimulus Package, the onion, Uncategorized
Al Gore announced today that he has written a new book, entitled “The Al Gore Green Energy Wealth Creation System“, which should be on the market by late summer. In the book Gore describes how investors can become wealthy and at the same time promote “green” causes by following his guidelines. Below is a step-by-step summary of his system:
- 1. Investigate emerging “green” technologies.
- 2. Select a technology that is based on its popularity with the media, preferably one which President Obama has mentioned in a speech.
- 3. Contact a well connected political figure who has an interest in “green” causes (someone like Al Gore); offer him a share of your new company in lieu of consulting fees. Have a press conference.
- 4. Contact various rich investors, celebrities including Leonardo DiCaprio, and government agencies requesting seed money. Have a press conference.
- 5. After obtaining funding ($1,000,000 to $10,000,000), hire a small team of engineers and build a working prototype.
- 6. Call a news conference showcasing the prototype. Make sure the public understands that although the prototype cost several million dollars to build, when in mass production the green device would only cost $1.57 a piece. Ask Leonardo DiCaprio to speak.
- 7. Contact investment bankers, preferable Goldman Sachs (due to its political connections); issue a public offering of stock. Plan on raising $100,000,000 million in capital while insuring that you and your consultant still control 51% of the company. Have a press conference. Invite the President to speak.
- 8. Raise $100,000,000 in cash. Have a press conference.
- 9. Give yourself a $5,000,000 salary. Give your consultant $5,000,000 in consulting fees.
- 10. Find a building site. Have a press conference.
- 11. Ask for local and state tax abatements. Have a press conference.
- 11. Hire lots more engineers. Have a press conference. Ask the President to speak.
- 12. Promise to hire a lot more people. Have a press conference.
- 13. Ask for $100,000,000 worth of government grants. Have a press conference.
- 14. After receiving grants, begin construction of plant. Have a press conference.
- 15. Announce that, due to unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
- 16. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him.
- 17. Raise your salary to $10,000,000. Give consultant addition $5,000,000 in fees.
- 17. Announce that, due to more unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
- 18. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him again.
- 19. After receiving orders for the new device, based on a $1.57 sales price, issue additional stock. Have a press conference.
- 20. Ask the investment bankers to start slowly selling your shares as well as your consultant’s shares, with as little publicity as possible.
- 22. Tell engineers that you can no longer pay them, but to “hang tough”.
- 23. Notify suppliers that they will need to cut their prices by 50% for the new enterprise to succeed.
- 21. After conferring with your engineers, announce that the new device will actually cost $1,789 a piece and delivery a third of the originally predicted performance.
- 22. File bankruptcy.
- 23. Look for new “green” technology to start all over again.
- 24. Have a press conference. Invite the President.
Although your enterprise ends with bankruptcy, practically everyone emerges as a winner:
- You receive several million dollars in salary, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of your stock.
- Your consultant receives several million dollars in consulting fees, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of his stock.
- Goldman Sachs receives million of dollars in transaction fees for the issuance of new stock.
- Leonardo DiCaprio and other investors get to feel good about investing in a noble cause: “green” energy.
- President Obama gets to make numerous press conferences.
- The engineers got paid during a portion of their tenure at the company; they get to add “green” technology to their resume, and are subsequently hired at a new emerging “green” company.
- Al Gore gets to write a book about it.
- Taxpayers get the satisfaction of knowing that the President is living up to his campaign promises.
Filed under al gore, barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, environmental, green industry, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Engineers at MIT recently made the following calculations:
If the near $1 billion Al Gore has made promoting green energy in the last 12 years was cashed out as $1 bills, these $1 bills could be bundled and shipped to the nation’s various coal powered power plants where they could then be burnt as fuel in place of coal. The engineers have calculated that this could completely supply the nation’s electricity needs for the next 23 years. The only downside to this idea, other than the millions of angry consumers whose pockets would be stuffed with quarters while dollar bills were temorarily unavailable, would be a fine green mist emited as a by-product from the burning of the ink in the bills. The MIT engineers say that this green mist could actually have many positive effects on the environment, including halting global warming, patching the hole in the ozone layer, and saving the whales.
Many top environmentalists now think that this may have been Gore’s plan all along and are praising him as a true genius. No word from Gore as to when he intends to cash out his fortune.
In a shocking move, Al Gore and Michael Moore announced today that they were initiating a joint venture for the manufacture of a new “green” handgun to be made in Detroit. Gore and Moore realize that their fellow progressives will be shocked by their involvement with the manufacture of a new gun. Betty Putz, spokersperson for the pair, has said that Gore and Moore believe that since a complete ban of guns in the United States is almost impossible, the best solution would be to develop an ecologically sustainable gun and manufacture it in the nearly bankrupt city of Detroit with former UAW workers. This would simultaneously create a new “green” industry and provide payback for a key Democrat support group. The gun would be made of a base of wheat grass and spent 9mm shells recovered from the almost unlimited supply found in the streets of Chicago and Detroit.
Gun enthusiasts had earlier been given some of the first production models produced at the Detroit plant and were encouraged to test the guns. Their findings, however, were not encouraging. Some of the comments made:
- Very small caliber, very short barrel.
- Goes off half-cocked.
- Barrel becomes limp immediately after firing
- Very inaccurate, always shoots far to the left.
Some models were also missing major parts- barrels, triggers, etc. Ms. Putz assured reporters that this had nothing to do with the fact they were made by UAW workers, and that Gore and Moore have already identified the quality problem: bad management. It seems that Gore and Moore hired most of the venture’s initial upper management team from various ”green” companies that had earlier received federal stimulus money but had subsequently went bankrupt. Many of these executives were actually investment bankers and lobbyists and had no real managment experience. These individuals are now being laid-off from the company, and will receive lifetime pensions paid for by money the Treasury department saved in denying help to Delphi salaried employees during the GM/Delphi/UAW bailout.
The White House today also announced that they were awarding $5 billion worth of stimulus funds to the new company with the condition that no guns produced by the company be sold in the U.S., and that all guns are be sold to the Justice Department for distribution in Mexico.
Filed under al gore, Delphi, Detroit, environmental, Fast and Furious, green industry, gun control, Justice Department, michael moore, Stimulus Package, UAW, Uncategorized