The White House responded today to critics of The Affordable Health Care Act, commonly known as Obamacare, who have repeatedly claimed the act will add trillions of dollars to the national debt over the next several years. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters that the act will not add one penny to the national debt. Carney said “When these people crunch the numbers and come up with the giant cost increases, they are omitting one key piece of data from their calculations. The Department of Health and Human Services now estimates that any cost increases to individual care will be more than offset by the shrinking number of people on the program. By increasing the waiting time for critical procedures by months or even years due to the red tape created and the mass doctor retirements that result, the department now calculates that number of people who die waiting for care will create enough savings to offset all costs. The great thing here is that a dead person has no health care costs. And if a few people have to die for us to achieve our goal of universal health care, well, we think that’s a good trade-off.”
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, jon stewart, obamacare, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
The White House today announced that they were proposing legislation to privatize the Treasury Department. Spokesperson Jay Carney said that the sale would result in an annual savings of up to one billion dollars. Said Carney “I think most of you know we are not a big fan of privatization here at the White House. But when you look at the large number of investment bank personnel that work at the Treasury Department and realize that they are performing the same functions and advocating the same policies that they did at their former employers, it just makes sense for them to stay at the big banks, do what they’re already doing, and save the tax payers’ money.” Carney said the contract would be awarded through competitive bidding, but that the decision had already been made that the winner would be Goldman Sachs.
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, budget, dennis miller, economy, Goldman Sachs, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
In a major editorial today in The New York Times, the editors congratulated Pope Francis on his election and urged him to quickly take steps to modernize the Church and to begin to make the Church once again relevant in modern society. Specifically they asked the new Pope to implement the following actions:
- Abandon celibacy as a requirement for the priesthood, while limiting sexual partners to no more than three a day.
- Actively promote abortion as a lifestyle decision.
- Promote the use of contraceptives.
- Embrace homosexuality, except for existing priests who may have been in the closet for years. These priests should be defrocked.
- Formally state that marriage can be between any number of people, any sex, any age, and any species.
- Rename Christmas Kwanzaa.
- Commit to making the next Pope a woman; immediately raise the number of woman priests, bishops, and archbishops to over 50% of the total, even if it means ordaining non-Christian women.
- Accept Islam as equal or superior to Christianity.
- Apologize to all people, living or dead, who may not have liked the Catholic Church, including Maureen Dowd.
- Embrace any other items on the Democratic Party Platform not previously mentioned.
Recognizing the power of tradition which has been present for centuries in the Catholic Church, The Times’ editors stated that the clergy could keep their robes and funny hats but wear them only on holidays.
If the new Pope is willing to make these changes, The Times then recommends he immediately take the following actions to modernize the image of the Church:
- Deliver Mass wearing sandals and a t-shirt.
- Make numerous appearances on Jay Leno, Dave Letterman, and The View.
- Schedule numerous photo ops with the Pope skiing in the Alps and windsurfing in the Caribbean.
- Take up skeet shooting as a hobby and occasionally golf with Tiger Woods.
- Vacation at George Clooney’s villa in the south of Italy.
- Date a supermodel and give her free run of the Vatican.
- Make sure the supermodel presents the award for Best Picture at the Oscars.
- Excommunicate Paul Ryan.
- Nominate President Obama for sainthood.
To encourage the new Pope to quickly take these actions, Maureen Dowd, columnist for The Times, has agreed to quit sending hate mails to the Pope and stop circulating anonymous emails containing a picture of a well known porn star with the Pope’s face superimposed.
The Times editors noted that some critics might say that, if these changes were implemented, the Catholic Church would be no different than the Episcopalians; the editors then iterated that the priests get to keep their robes and funny hats.
Filed under abortion, barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, george clooney, humor, jon stewart, maureen dowd, new york times, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, pope, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized
Al Gore announced today that he has written a new book, entitled “The Al Gore Green Energy Wealth Creation System“, which should be on the market by late summer. In the book Gore describes how investors can become wealthy and at the same time promote “green” causes by following his guidelines. Below is a step-by-step summary of his system:
- 1. Investigate emerging “green” technologies.
- 2. Select a technology that is based on its popularity with the media, preferably one which President Obama has mentioned in a speech.
- 3. Contact a well connected political figure who has an interest in “green” causes (someone like Al Gore); offer him a share of your new company in lieu of consulting fees. Have a press conference.
- 4. Contact various rich investors, celebrities including Leonardo DiCaprio, and government agencies requesting seed money. Have a press conference.
- 5. After obtaining funding ($1,000,000 to $10,000,000), hire a small team of engineers and build a working prototype.
- 6. Call a news conference showcasing the prototype. Make sure the public understands that although the prototype cost several million dollars to build, when in mass production the green device would only cost $1.57 a piece. Ask Leonardo DiCaprio to speak.
- 7. Contact investment bankers, preferable Goldman Sachs (due to its political connections); issue a public offering of stock. Plan on raising $100,000,000 million in capital while insuring that you and your consultant still control 51% of the company. Have a press conference. Invite the President to speak.
- 8. Raise $100,000,000 in cash. Have a press conference.
- 9. Give yourself a $5,000,000 salary. Give your consultant $5,000,000 in consulting fees.
- 10. Find a building site. Have a press conference.
- 11. Ask for local and state tax abatements. Have a press conference.
- 11. Hire lots more engineers. Have a press conference. Ask the President to speak.
- 12. Promise to hire a lot more people. Have a press conference.
- 13. Ask for $100,000,000 worth of government grants. Have a press conference.
- 14. After receiving grants, begin construction of plant. Have a press conference.
- 15. Announce that, due to unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
- 16. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him.
- 17. Raise your salary to $10,000,000. Give consultant addition $5,000,000 in fees.
- 17. Announce that, due to more unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
- 18. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him again.
- 19. After receiving orders for the new device, based on a $1.57 sales price, issue additional stock. Have a press conference.
- 20. Ask the investment bankers to start slowly selling your shares as well as your consultant’s shares, with as little publicity as possible.
- 22. Tell engineers that you can no longer pay them, but to “hang tough”.
- 23. Notify suppliers that they will need to cut their prices by 50% for the new enterprise to succeed.
- 21. After conferring with your engineers, announce that the new device will actually cost $1,789 a piece and delivery a third of the originally predicted performance.
- 22. File bankruptcy.
- 23. Look for new “green” technology to start all over again.
- 24. Have a press conference. Invite the President.
Although your enterprise ends with bankruptcy, practically everyone emerges as a winner:
- You receive several million dollars in salary, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of your stock.
- Your consultant receives several million dollars in consulting fees, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of his stock.
- Goldman Sachs receives million of dollars in transaction fees for the issuance of new stock.
- Leonardo DiCaprio and other investors get to feel good about investing in a noble cause: “green” energy.
- President Obama gets to make numerous press conferences.
- The engineers got paid during a portion of their tenure at the company; they get to add “green” technology to their resume, and are subsequently hired at a new emerging “green” company.
- Al Gore gets to write a book about it.
- Taxpayers get the satisfaction of knowing that the President is living up to his campaign promises.
Filed under al gore, barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, environmental, green industry, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
The White House today announced that the British Royal Family recently agreed to loan the British crown jewels, including the Queen’s tiara, to the White House for the next four years. When asked whether any new security measures would be installed to protect the invaluable jewels, White House press director, Jay Carney, stated that, when the crown and jewels were not being worn by President Obama or the first lady, they would be safely kept in the President’s sock drawer.
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Various reports emerged today from Washington, D.C. concerning a loud wailing noise that could be heard even in the nearby countryside last Monday. White House officials at first attributed the wailing to thousands of young children in the city who were being deprived of decent meals due to the “sequestration”. But when it was later determined that the wailing actually originated in the plush nearby suburbs, investigators discovered that the noise was coming from thousands of K Street lobbyists who were beginning to see the effects of the “sequestration”.
Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, K Street, lobbyists, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, taxes, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Vice President Joe Biden said today that he has been eager to work on the “Sequester”, but so far has been unable to persuade Ann Romney to loan him her horse, Rafalca.
Filed under Ann Romney, barack obama, budget, dennis miller, economy, humor, joe biden, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, Uncategorized, Vice President Biden, white house
The President has spent the last few weeks touring the country and warning the public about the drastic changes that the country will experience with the advent of the “Sequester”, a mandatory 8 to 9% cut if federal spending, which began last Friday. The country is now experiencing some of these effects, and they aren’t pretty. Today the White House announced:
- Commercial air traffic will only occur on even days of the Month.
- All states west of the Mississippi will be without power on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. All states east of the Mississippi wil be without power on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday. Exception: Washington DC will keep sucking as much power as ever.
- The defense department is currently negotiating a deal to lease our Pacific fleet to China for the next four years.
- Starting next week, Air Force One will now sell one hour rides for $5,000 each. (Rides will be free, however, to Presidential reelection campaign donors who gave over $500,000.)
- Any prisoner currently incarcerated at a federal prison will be released, so long as he or she writes “I will not do it again” fifty times on the blackboard, in the language of his or her choosing.
- Alaska is being sold back to the Russians. The Russians are currently demanding that Sarah Palin also be included in the deal. The White House is in favor of agreeing to the Russian demand, but has not yet persuaded Palin to do her patriotic duty and acquiesce.
- To reduce the size of the White House travel budget (estimated at over one billion dollars for the last four years), the President has stated that he will only take one daughter with him and Michelle on future vacations. The two girls will rotate; the daughter remaining in Washington will then be babysat by the Secret Service.
Mayor Bloomberg also spoke on the hardships being imposed on New York City by the “Sequester”:
- The City will reduce its active police force to 23 policemen, 17 of which will be serving in the Mayor’s personal detail.
- Firefighters will be reduced to 32 active firefighters. Those firefighters will each be issued three cases of bottled water; this being necessary due to the lack of fuel for water trucks.
- Likewise, the four remaining city EMTs will be issued portable first aid kits, since no money is available for ambulances either.
- The Mayor did say that by moving funds from the budgets of less critical organizations, he was certain the all 234 “Big Gulp” inspectors will remain on the job.
Update: The California state legislature, concerned about the harm the “Sequester” might cause to the state, today passed a 20% pay increase for all government workers.
Filed under barack obama, budget, California, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, taxes, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
The Washington Post recently reported on the dearth of interviews granted by President Obama to the print media. He has not been interviewed by the Post for four years; The New York Times last interviewed him in 2010, and the President has never been interviewed by The Los Angeles Times, The Boston Globe, or The Chicago Tribune. Instead the President has focused all communication with the public throught television and radio.
Many editors at these publications are angry; they feel that four plus years of obsequiousness should have provided them with much more access to the President. When White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was asked about this, he replied: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”.
Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, jon stewart, media, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, press, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Attention OBeaners: We’ve not received the tremendous response that we thought we would to our contest (Five Things Joe Biden Would Take On Vacation, first posted on 2/10/21013). Consequently, we’ve decided to up the ante with our prizes. Here is our new prize list:
Fifth Prize: Two discount coupons to the Donald Trump Hair Styling Academy, redeemable at any location.
Fourth Prize: A computer generated map showing the exact location of Joe Biden’s hair plugs, signed by Joe’s cosmetic surgeon.
Third Prize: A case of bronzed spent shells from President Obama’s skeet shooting adventure . (They make great paper weights!). As a bonus we’ll also include a photographic copy of the President’s fourth grade report card complete with teacher’s comments.
Second Prize: An artist’s rendition of Elizabeth Warren’s Native-American ancesters’ (alleged) first encounter with her European ancesters (not alleged) on the Trail of Tears. Editor’s note: contains bloody images that may be unsuitable for family viewing.
And the First Prize is:
Two free tickets to the Alec Baldwin Seminar on Anger Management. Mr. Baldwin will share the many anger management secrets he has learned over the years, including:
- Proper Flying Etiquette, or Don’t Get Angry over Angry Birds
- Why You Should Never Ridicule Your Brothers
- Treating the Paparazzi With Respect
- How Racial Epithets Hurt Everyone
- Positive Reinforcement and Parenthood
Filed under alec baldwin, barack obama, celebrity news, dennis miller, elizbeth warren, entertainment news, humor, indian, jon stewart, native-american, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized, white house