Monthly Archives: January 2013

The Center for Government Funded Scientific Studies of Questionable Value (CGFSSQV)  published the results of a study today showing that “skinny jeans” (also know as “hipster pants”) can cause up to a 50% reduction in sperm count in males.  CGFSSQV scientists say this is especially alarming because almost all males who wear this type of jeans already had very low sperm counts prior to wearing them.  They believe that this combination of circumstances will make it extremely difficult for these men to ever father children.

Other scientists, however, have expressed doubt about the importance of the finding. These critics say that is extremely doubtful that any man willing to wear these pants would ever be in a situation where they could father children anyway.

©Obamabeans 01/30/2013

As reported last week, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen, collectively known as Bradchen, have recently been putting the finishing touches on their 20 million dollar Brentwood California mansion.  Brady has said that he is personally supervising the final details as he has nothing else to do right now.

©Obamabeans 01/29/2013

In response to some recent complaints concerning the accuracy of some of our articles, we, the editors at Obamabeans County Register, would like to reaffirm our commitment to ethical reporting, as exemplified in the New York Times Official Statement on Journalistic Ethics as shown in the lower right hand corner on page 2 of the Times:

“We will faithfully endeavor to print the truth, the whole truth and will not make stuff up, except for the following situations:

• When the facts disagree with our opinions.
• When it’s really, really hard to find out what the facts are.”

While we can only hope to reach the high standards of the Times, nevertheless, we will strive to meet this critcal commitment. After all, if it’s good enough for the New York Times, its good enough for us.

©Obamabeans 01/28/2013

President Obama in his Inauguration Address mentioned three landmarks in civil rights history: Seneca Falls, Selma, and Stonewall.  We editors at Obamabeans County Register acknowledge the great strides modern civilization has made toward equal rights  for all people, and now call for the last great crusade to begin:

Free the barbers!

This small group of people who dare to make barbering a career still suffer discrimination and humiliation like no other group.  Teenagers who dream of becoming barbers cannot express this desire out loud without suffering ridicule, humiliation, and bullying by fellow students and teachers alike.  Everywhere across our great country we see barbers beaten up and murdered for no reason other than the fact they are barbers.  In fact barbers suffer a murder rate seven times any other profession.  That’s not just opinion; that’s proven scientific fact. If you don’t believe us, look it up on the internet.  Barbers also have a suicide rate twelve times the national average for all other professions.  It’s a fact; look it up.  Also, barbers make on average only 17 cents/hr vs 19 dollars/hr for beauticians. Again, this is a scientifically proven fact; look it up.  Many people will say “Where’s all this discrimination against barbers?  We don’t see it.”  That’s because the discrimination is everywhere. It’s so embedded in our daily lives that we just can’t see it.

Stephen Yalehard, associate professor of barber studies at Cornell also offers these disturbing facts:

• 35 states prohibit barber to barber marriage
• In 23 states barbers can’t own a gun
• In 17 states they can’t own an automatic dishwasher

These are well researched, well documented facts; look them up.

People of America, this is your chance to be on the last great civil rights battle of western civilization.  Don’t just stand by and watch:

Free the barbers!

©Obamabeans 01/28/2013

The following report was filed by Bubba Batengrate, Obamabeans field correspondent:

Manti Teo’s “girlfriend” problems weren’t the only thing he discussed with the hard-hitting, nuclear jackhammer of journalism, Katie Couric.  In leaked footage obtained by Obamabeans (thanks, Gus!), Manti Teo confesses the reasons for his poor performance against Alabama’s defense.  Transcript published below.

Manti: “So, I’m besties with one of the Alabama guys, and–”

Katie: “Besties?”

Manti: “Best friends.”

Katie: “Friends?”

Manti: “Yeah.  Sorta.  Maybe more good acquaintances?  We met on Instagram and follow each other on Twitter.  So this guy–”

Katie: “Guy?”

Manti: “–so this guy, he texts me right before the coin toss and tells me there’s going to be the regular football in the game, but because it’s the championship, there’s also going to be this second football – a special BCS football with lights and stuff – out there on the field at the same time.”

Katie:  “Special BCS football?”

Manti:  “Yeah, it was like the size of an egg and had lights and stuff, and there were extra points if you tackled the guy who had it.  But I never saw it.  Guys kept saying they had it, but you know, I’d check their hands and they’d say it was just somewhere else right then.  And then things got really bad.”

Katie:  “Really bad?”

Manti:  “Yeah, somebody told me the special BCS football died.”

Katie:  “And that’s when you thought the special BCS football might have been fake?”

Manti:  “No, I was just really sad at first.  But then somebody told me that the special BCS football had come back from the dead and wanted to see me.  That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Katie:  “You didn’t suspect anything was wrong before that?”

Manti:  “No, it sounded just like a real football.  One of the  Alabama guys told me that when you threw it, it’d go ‘wssssssshhhhhh’”

Katie:  “And how did you feel when there was no football?”

Manti:  “Almost as bad as when I found out about my little brother.  We were close.  We used to hang out together all the time after school.  My parents and I always said what a good boy he was.  It was hard when my parents told me he got sick and wasn’t going to get any better, because even though he was 14, he was really old.  But the hardest part was when they took him to the vet to put him down.  Because that’s when I find out he was really a dog.”

©Obamabeans 01/25/2013

Following reports that Beyonce lip-synced the Nataional Athem at the inauguration ceremonies Monday, the White House confessed to a group of reporters that the President also lip-synced his entire inauguration speech.  The speech apparently was recorded when President Obama first made the speech in Ohio in 2008 and has been lip-synced by the President on at least seven occasions since then.  When prominent Republicans asked the White House press corp how this could go unnoticed until now, reporters were forced to admit that they never actually listened to any of the President’s speeches.

When pundit Chris Matthews heard this report he admitted that he was somewhat disappointed but that the President’s speech still made him pee down his leg.

©Obamabeans 01/23/2013

Following the announcement last week that the Dutch had passed a law requiring beauticians and barbers to charge the same price for male and female haircuts, Democratic lawmakers in this country are seeking to pass a similar bill.  Per Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi:  “This may be one of the last major barriers to true equality for women.  We plan to introduce this bill to the House next month along with a companion bill making it compulsory for men to wear high heels in public.  The great cause moves onward!”

©Obamabeans 01/24/2013

White House Spokesperson Jay Carney was asked by reporters today why there was no mention of jobs in the President’s inauguration speech yesterday. Per Carney: “The President had intended to address his plans for increasing job opportunities, but he had a certain time limit he wished to meet with his speech and realized it would only allow him to address the really important issues.”

©Obamabeans 01/23/2013

Obamabeans understands that many of our readers lead hectic schedules and will find it hard to read the entire transcript of the President’s speech.  In an effort to help them understand the gist of the speech without all the soaring metaphors, etc., the following is a summary:

• Hope = Good
• Change = Good
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• Spending limits = Bad
• Tax increases = Good
• Fairness = Good
• Democrats = Good
• Republicans = Bad
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• White House = Good
• House of Representatives = Bad
• Rich people = Bad*
•      *Exception: Rich celebrities = Good
• Undocumented workers =  Good
• “Green jobs” = Good
• Real jobs = Bad
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• Big Business = Bad
• Big Banks = Good
• Negotiations = Bad
• Doing things my way = Good
• Guns = Bad
• 2nd Amendment = Bad
• Bush = Bad
• Children = Good
• Most of the Constitution = Good

After assembling this summary, some of our editors were concerned that we left out too much detail; however, after further review it was established that there actually was no detail present in the speech.

©Obamabeans 01/22/2013