Monthly Archives: January 2013

Following last week’s announcement that Notre Dame Linebacker Manti Te’o's girlfriend was fake, Notre Dame officials were forced to admit today that Manti Te’o was fake as well.  Officials said that a professional actor was used to portray Manti during interviews and at press conferences, while octogenarian Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus, wearing copious amounts of makeup, played Teo’s linebacker position through most of the season.  The scheme began to unravel when the Notre Dame coaching staff realized that Butkus would be unable to play in the national championship game due to scheduled hip replacement surgery.  At the last minute, the team was forced to draft Rudy (Rudy Ruettiger,who played for Notre Dame in the 1974/1975 seasons) to play the linebaker position in the final game.  Rudy had never played linebaker and was ineffective in Notre Dame’s loss to Alabama.

Notre Dame officials continue to deny that the entire team was fake, or that their entire 2012 schedule was fake as well.

©Obamabeans 01/22/2013

1.     The Andy Griffith Show

2.     Hoosiers

3.     Colt 45

©Obamabeans 01/21/2013

1.     ________

2.     ________

3.    Coarsity

4.     ________

5.     ________

©Obamabeans 01/20/2013

1.     Slingshots

2.     Running with scissors (see earlier Obamabeans feature dated 1/15/2013)

3.     Adult males over 5’6” tall (exception for professional atheletes)

©Obamabeans 01/15/2013

Vice President Joe Biden told a group of reporters yesterday that he was opposed to the “trillion dollar platinum coin” proposal recently floated by a few progressive economists. “It’s just not practical” said Biden. “I mean, the coin would have to be the size of a bus.  What good is a coin the size of a bus; I mean, where could you spend it?”   When his staff explained to him that the coin would not necessarily be any larger than most conventional coins, Biden remained opposed.  “Look, if it’s the size of a regular coin and the President is carrying it around in his pocket, and he stops by Costco to buy some pies, the coin could fall out of his pocket and he might never even realize it.  It’d be ‘Whoops, Bang!’  There goes another trillion dollars! Nope, it’s just not practical” said Biden.

©Obamabeans 01/18/2013

Excerpt from President Obama’s address yesterday on raising the debt limit:

“ It’s like this: I inherited this metaphorical credit card from George Bush when I came into office.  Over his eight years in office, President Bush and the Republicans had already used up half of the credit limit on the card before I even came to office. Now, after my first four years in office, the nation’s credit limit has become maxed out.  Republicans are whining that we need to cut back on spending and start paying down the card, but folks, there’s a better solution.  It’s the same solution many of you have used yourselves.  We just get another  credit card! We just start charging the new card until it maxes out, and then we get another one! And so on and so on. Folks, it’s the same strategy millions of Americans have used in the past and are still using today- It’s the American way.”

©Obamabeans 01/17/2013

White House Spokesperson, Jay Carney, admitted today that “Bo”, the President’s dog is actually fake.  Carney said that all the pictures released by the White House showing the President and his family with “Bo”, were actually fabricated using various large cutouts of a dog owned by Vice President Biden’s sister-in-law.  Carney said that the Obama Campaign team believed they needed to appeal to PETA voters (single, successful, highly neurotic women), but were restricted by the fact that the President was allergic to dogs, cats, and most primates.

When Carney was asked by reporters about rumors that the President’s daughters, Malia and Natasha, were also fake, Carney said: “No comment.”

©Obamabeans 01/16/2013

In a major speech in Baltimore yesterday, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg again called for new legislation to limit gun ownership.  Surrounded by members of his staff, seven armed personal bodyguards, ten New York State troopers and two NYC SWAT teams, Bloomberg said “I just can’t relate to anyone in this country who says they need a gun to feel safe.”

Mayor Bloomberg also said that, effective the 1st of the month, New York City will also ban running with scissors.

©Obamabeans 01/15/2013

To address several recent complaints from our readers about the accuracy of some our articles, Obamabeans is pleased to announce the hiring of Lenny  Rapadino, a former Chicago alderman recently paroled,  to be our resident fact-checker.  Mr. Rapadino sums up his fact-checking philosophy as “I know ‘nuttin’; I see ‘nuttin’ ”.  We believe that this alone puts him ahead of most of his peers in the field. 

Besides, he works cheap.

©Obamabeans 01/14/2013

In a rather confusing move, the Nobel Peace Prize committee mistakenly announced earlier this week that President Obama would be the recepient of  an additional Nobel Peace Prize only to retract the announcement yesterday.  In an effort to understand what took place, Obamabeans asked Helmet Smorgasbourder, one of the Peace Prize judges, to explain how the mix-up occurred. According to Judge Smorgasbourger, the confusion was a result of the fact that “obama” in Norse actually means “very cheap vodka”. Smorgasbourger said that he and several other judges feel very strongly about very cheap vodka and believe that increasing its availability would be a boon to world peace.  When asked how this resulted in the mistaken Peace Prize this week and if it was the reason for President Obama’s award in 2008, Smorgasbourger suddenly slipped off his bar stool and hit his head on the corner of the bar, requiring hospitalization.

Update to follow.

©Obamabeans 01/11/2013