Monthly Archives: January 2013

Various news agencies in France reported today that Madonna was seriously injured in an on-stage accident last night.  The aging superstar, in an effort to maintain her status as a sex symbol in spite of her advancing age, has recently been exposing her right breast briefly during her performances.  Apparently when she did so in her performance last night, she accidently tripped over her breast, fell to the stage floor and injured her left hip. Doctors, concerned about a possible hip fracture (common in post-menopausal women), immediately rushed her to an undisclosed French hospital for tests. Test results have since shown no damage to the hip bone, just severe bruising to her left hip and  right breast.  Madonna reportedly asked for her children to visit her in the hospital but apparently she nor any member of her staff knew what country they were currently in or how to contact them.

©Obamabeans 1/10/2013

In a guest appearance by famous singer/songwriter Stevie Wonder on MSNBC’s Hardball yesterday, much of the discussion centered on the harsh criticisms by the GOP on President Obama during the 2012 Presidential Campaign. Host Chris Matthews asked Mr. Wonder if he thought the attacks were more vitrolic due to the fact that the President was a black man, to which Mr. Wonder replied “He’s Black???????”

©Obamabeans 1/8/2013

After the details of the Fiscal Cliff agreement were released last week, it was revealed that the agreement also included over seventy billion dollars in new pork.  Obamabeans reporters contacted both Republican and Democratic leaders individually to determine how the pork became part of the final agreement.  Their responses are shown below:

President Obama:  White House Spokesperson Jay Carney said that the President had no idea how the pork got in the bill since legislative leaders of both parties refused to let the President take part in the negotiations.

Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell:  “There wasn’t any pork in it when I gave it to the Democrats. I have no idea what happened after that.”

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid:  “I was too busy pouting over Biden hogging all the glory to be involved in the final negotiations.”

Vice President Biden:  “I never actually read the agreement.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner:  “I can’t even get three members of my own party to agree on what day it is- How the h*** do you think I got anyone to agree to adding that stuff to the bill?”

Democratic Leader in the House, Nancy Pelosi:  “We’ve looked into how it got there and right now believe that the pork was put in the bill by George W. Bush.  We are still investigating.”

©Obamabeans 1/6/2013

1.  Sled dog races

2.  Christmas

3. African-American Republicans

©Obamabeans 1/6/2013

1.  Shirt sleeves with button-down cuffs (tacky)

2.  Wearing snowshoes in months not containing the letter “r” (dangerous)

3.  Whistling (annoying)

©Obamabeans 1/5/2013

1.  ________

2. ”Let’s make a deal!”

3.  ________

4.  ” ‘Reid’ ‘em and weep!”

5.  ________

©Obamabeans 1/4/2013

The White House announced today that Vogue Magazine Editor Anna Wintour is no longer under consideration for an ambassador position after the Washington Post reported that she had forced all members of her household staff to sign Indentured Servant contracts.  The Post quoted Wintour defending her actions:  “I don’t why it’s such a big deal.  I had my editorial staff sign them years ago and they never complained”.

Historian Michael Beschloss, famous for his controversial comments in 2008 saying that President Obama was the smartest President ever (“an IQ  just off the charts!”),  recently said that it was time for a reassessment of the man’s intelligence.  Beschloss said that when you ask how the President was recently re-elected after four poor economic years, the “Fast & Furious” scandal, Obamacare, Benghazi, and other disasters, the only acceptable answer is “because the man is brilliant”. “Thomas Jefferson, Lincoln- they were very intelligent men”, said Beschloss, but  “their acheivements just can’t stack-up to Obama’s”.   In fact, Beschloss says he not only believes that Obama may be the smartest President ever, he believes President Obama may be the first human being to possess a four digit IQ.

When White House Spokesperson Jay Carney was asked about the President’s IQ test scores, Carney said the President’s IQ test report was filed along with the President’s birth certificate in an undisclosed location.

In a related note, upon hearing Beschloss’s comments, television pundit Chris Matthews reportedly peed down his leg.

©Obamabeans 1/02/2013

White House Spokesperson Jay Carney announced today that after an extensive investigation into what actually happened in the Benghazi massacre last October, the Justice Department has concluded that former President George Bush was responsible.  To prove the point, Carney showed a brief  three-second clip from “Innocence of Muslims”, the anti-Muslim movie said to spark the outrage. Carney asked reporters to take a close look at the upper right hand corner of the screen, where a man dressed in a Barney costume could clearly be seen to be former Vice-President Dick Cheney.  Carney said that Bush wrote the script for the film, and Cheney, under orders from Bush,  directed and produced the film. Carney said that the mangled syntax used in the dialogue throughout much of the film was further evidence of Bush’s involvement. The film was then shipped to Libya where Bush showed the video to thousands of angry Muslims, then led them in an Aggie fight song before they descended on the consulate.  Bush and Cheney were apparently working for Halliburton, hoping that the crisis would allow it to seize Libyan oil fields and further its goal to take over the planet. After showing the clip, Carney said that this demonstrates exactly why we so badly need to raise taxes on the rich.

©Obamabeans 1/02/2013