After a seven year old boy was suspended from a Maryland school for chewing his pop tart (flavor unknown) into the shape of a gun, seven year olds in the school, angry at the suspension of their friend, reacted with violence. According to various reports, another seven-year old in the same classroom as the suspended boy smuggled a pack of pop tarts into the school yesterday morning. The school was equipped with the latest type of metal detectors and ATF agents are now trying to determine how the boy managed to get the pop tarts into the school.
Once in the school, it is believed the boy distributed eighteen pop tarts to other children. Seven of the pop tarts were then eaten, leaving eleven pop tarts which were subsequently chewed into the shapes of AK-47s, and 9 millimeter Glocks during recess. Upon returning to class, the eleven children, using the pop tart weapons, took their teacher, Auggie Swiftbout, hostage. The seven-year olds then released a list of demands to the school administration. These demands, written with various colored crayons on the back of a library book, included the reinstatement of their suspended classmate, lengthened recess periods, and unlimited Jell-O in the cafeteria. (The list also included a hand drawn picture of a purple giraffe, BUT Police believe that this was irrelevant.) The violence was finally brought to an end when a specially trained SWAT team composed of elementary teachers swarmed the classroom armed with Hello Kitty soap bubble guns. The seven year olds immediately began to bawl, dropped the three pop tart guns which had not been eaten, and surrendered to the teachers.
All students involved are being suspended for the duration of the school year, and upon returning next year, will be required to write “I will not make a gun from pop tarts” fifty times each. Since the incident Mayor Bloomberg has visited the school and praised the elementary teachers who subdued the renegade seven year olds. In his speech he stated that eliminating gun violence was the second most important issue in America, second only to banning 16+ ounce Big Gulps.