New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today the findings of a study financed by the Mayor and conducted by the Berkeley Science and Health Institute of Technology (B.S.H.I.T.). The study, called Big Gulps and Guns, A Deadly Combination, found a statistical relationship between the drinking of oversize sodas, commonly referred to as Big Gulps, and gun violence. According to study, over 99% of all gun-related murders in t his country over the last five years have been committed by someone who drank a Big Gulp or similar sized soda less than four hours before the murder. The study goes on to demonstrate that there is a 40% chance of a person committing a serious crime before bedtime on any day that he/she consumes a plus sized soda. According to the mayor, “This demonstrates why it is so important to ban both guns and Big Gulps. By taking action on these two issues at the same time, we can with great certainty eliminate gun violence in America. But the benefits don’t need to be limited to just the United States. That’s why I’m taking my Guns and Big Gulps campaign overseas to the Middle East, both to Israel and the Arab nations. Perhaps we finally have within in our power the tool to solve the Middle East conflict for once and for all.”
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After a seven year old boy was suspended from a Maryland school for chewing his pop tart (flavor unknown) into the shape of a gun, seven year olds in the school, angry at the suspension of their friend, reacted with violence. According to various reports, another seven-year old in the same classroom as the suspended boy smuggled a pack of pop tarts into the school yesterday morning. The school was equipped with the latest type of metal detectors and ATF agents are now trying to determine how the boy managed to get the pop tarts into the school.
Once in the school, it is believed the boy distributed eighteen pop tarts to other children. Seven of the pop tarts were then eaten, leaving eleven pop tarts which were subsequently chewed into the shapes of AK-47s, and 9 millimeter Glocks during recess. Upon returning to class, the eleven children, using the pop tart weapons, took their teacher, Auggie Swiftbout, hostage. The seven-year olds then released a list of demands to the school administration. These demands, written with various colored crayons on the back of a library book, included the reinstatement of their suspended classmate, lengthened recess periods, and unlimited Jell-O in the cafeteria. (The list also included a hand drawn picture of a purple giraffe, BUT Police believe that this was irrelevant.) The violence was finally brought to an end when a specially trained SWAT team composed of elementary teachers swarmed the classroom armed with Hello Kitty soap bubble guns. The seven year olds immediately began to bawl, dropped the three pop tart guns which had not been eaten, and surrendered to the teachers.
All students involved are being suspended for the duration of the school year, and upon returning next year, will be required to write “I will not make a gun from pop tarts” fifty times each. Since the incident Mayor Bloomberg has visited the school and praised the elementary teachers who subdued the renegade seven year olds. In his speech he stated that eliminating gun violence was the second most important issue in America, second only to banning 16+ ounce Big Gulps.
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Recently, there have been several articles in the news about the sighting of a mysterious “drone” aircraft near the JFK airport in New York City. Speculation on who was responsible for the drone has ranged from the Chinese to Islamic terrorists to Homeland Security to local hobbyists. Today, however, the mystery was solved. New York City officials told reporters today that the drone belongs to a top secret group inside the New York City Health Department. The drone’s real function was to scour New York City streets looking for people sipping soft drinks from cups exceeding 16 ounces. The Drone, nicknamed “The Big Gulp Gonzo”, accidentally wandered into the air space over the airport when it’s pilot left for a bathroom break. Due to the severe restrictions imposed by the “sequester”, the department had been forced to layoff backup pilots, and consequently no one was piloting the aircraft during the pilot’s break. This arrangement had not caused any problems until that day, when the pilot purchased a supersized burrito from a street vendor (accompanied by a 14 oz soft drink), and developed severe gastronomical distress. The Department of Health is now reviewing its guidlines involving the use of drones and will likely require all pilots to only purchase drinks less than 12 ounces in size.
The American Psychiatric Association announced this week that the newest revision of The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5, will include a newly defined mental disorder called “egoitis”, also known as “toxic ego”.
The disorder usually affects only the rich and famous and is characterized by delusions in which the patient drastically overestimates his or her intelligence, and consider themselves experts in areas where they have little or no knowledge. Examples include:
- Donald Trump and politics
- Mark Cuban and basketball
- Mayor Bloomberg and obesity
- President Obama and Israel, etc. (See list)
- Various Hollywood stars and just about anything
The disease is considered incurable. Even when faced with a loss of wealth or power, the patients cling to their delusions, often developing a coincident attack of paranoia as well. The prescribed treatment for the disorder is to “slap the patient silly”. Unfortunately, this does not result in any behavioral changes but does make family and associates feel better.
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