James Franco has been in the news a lot lately, and our celebrity editors here at Obamabeans have endeavored to keep his fans appraised of all his recent publicity, however puzzling. Here is their summary of his activity:
Franco appeared on Howard Stern’s radio show this week and told the audience that Lindsay Lohan wanted to sleep with him but he said no. Franco also said that he did not like Anne Hathaway but that they were still friends. He also said he had a current girlfriend but would not give her name. Earlier in the week Franco was seen at the New York Museum of Modern Art watching a performance art exhibit where the actress Tilda Swinton sleep in a glass box.
This leaves Franco’s fans with several questions: Did Franco not like Lindsay Lohan but still consider her a friend? Did Franco sleep with Anne Hathaway but still not like her? Is that why he doesn’t like her? Does he sleep with his girlfriend? Does he like her? Does he like Tilda Swinton? Is she a friend? Is she his girlfriend? Did Franco sleep with her, and if he did, was it in a glass cage? How does he attend college classes, lecture at universities, and still have time to do everything he does?
Other statements made by Franco this week:
He announced that he has just completed a new book of poetry, entitled Love Letters to Barack which he hopes will be published later this year.
Mr. Franco again publicly denied that the new movie, Oz the Great and Powerful, in which he stars, was autobiographical.
Filed under anne hathaway, bill maher, celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, james franco, jon stewart, lindsay lohan, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, tilda swinton, Uncategorized
In a major editorial today in The New York Times, the editors congratulated Pope Francis on his election and urged him to quickly take steps to modernize the Church and to begin to make the Church once again relevant in modern society. Specifically they asked the new Pope to implement the following actions:
- Abandon celibacy as a requirement for the priesthood, while limiting sexual partners to no more than three a day.
- Actively promote abortion as a lifestyle decision.
- Promote the use of contraceptives.
- Embrace homosexuality, except for existing priests who may have been in the closet for years. These priests should be defrocked.
- Formally state that marriage can be between any number of people, any sex, any age, and any species.
- Rename Christmas Kwanzaa.
- Commit to making the next Pope a woman; immediately raise the number of woman priests, bishops, and archbishops to over 50% of the total, even if it means ordaining non-Christian women.
- Accept Islam as equal or superior to Christianity.
- Apologize to all people, living or dead, who may not have liked the Catholic Church, including Maureen Dowd.
- Embrace any other items on the Democratic Party Platform not previously mentioned.
Recognizing the power of tradition which has been present for centuries in the Catholic Church, The Times’ editors stated that the clergy could keep their robes and funny hats but wear them only on holidays.
If the new Pope is willing to make these changes, The Times then recommends he immediately take the following actions to modernize the image of the Church:
- Deliver Mass wearing sandals and a t-shirt.
- Make numerous appearances on Jay Leno, Dave Letterman, and The View.
- Schedule numerous photo ops with the Pope skiing in the Alps and windsurfing in the Caribbean.
- Take up skeet shooting as a hobby and occasionally golf with Tiger Woods.
- Vacation at George Clooney’s villa in the south of Italy.
- Date a supermodel and give her free run of the Vatican.
- Make sure the supermodel presents the award for Best Picture at the Oscars.
- Excommunicate Paul Ryan.
- Nominate President Obama for sainthood.
To encourage the new Pope to quickly take these actions, Maureen Dowd, columnist for The Times, has agreed to quit sending hate mails to the Pope and stop circulating anonymous emails containing a picture of a well known porn star with the Pope’s face superimposed.
The Times editors noted that some critics might say that, if these changes were implemented, the Catholic Church would be no different than the Episcopalians; the editors then iterated that the priests get to keep their robes and funny hats.
Filed under abortion, barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, george clooney, humor, jon stewart, maureen dowd, new york times, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, pope, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized
After the recent criticism over Seth McFarlane’s performance at the Academy Awards show and the controversy over an Onion writer’s twitter about one of the Oscar nominees, the Editors of Obamabeans believe it’s time to issue our annual apology to anyone, living or dead, who has been offended by one of our articles. Although we strive to be politically correct, it is difficult for our writers to navigate the rather complicated rules involving political correctness, which are not only unwritten but are in a constant state of flux.
Therefore we are excited to announce the publication of “The Obamabeans County Register Guidelines for Politically Correct Speech” sometime later this year. We feel this new book is deeply needed and are rushing to bring it to publication as soon as possible. Perhaps if our book had been available to Mr. McFarlane he might have been dissuaded to sing about seeing famous actresses’ boobs, even though many have been handsomely compensated for displaying said boobs. It might have also kept Alec Baldwin from screaming racial epithets and prevented Joe Biden from speaking at all.
Looking at previous efforts to issue guidelines in this area, we noticed that many were out of date and others suffered from so much political correctness that they didn’t really tell you anything. We at Obamabeans County Register vow to tackle the issues head-on, not pulling any punches. (Editor’s note: This last sentence was a test. “Not pulling any punches” is a masculine phrase and promotes violence. A better, more gender neutral choice of words would have been ” not rattling any staples”. Yes, we know that phrase doesn’t really make any sense, but that’s not the point.) We recognize that our efforts may get some people’s “panties in a wad” (Yes. another test. Better to have said “undergarments in an uncomfortable but nonsexist position”), but we will not let these people stop us; unless they say mean or hurtful things about us which may force us to drop the project completely.
[Update: it has been pointed out to us that the use of the word “boobs” is sexist. If our new guidelines had been available prior to the publication of this article, we might have avoided this mistake: just another great example of why our book is so important. We haven’t completed the female anatomy section of the guidelines yet, so right now we’re going for “upper lady parts” in place of boobs, but this is subject to change.]
Filed under celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, joe biden, jon stewart, media, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, press, satire, the onion, Uncategorized
The American Psychiatric Association announced this week that the newest revision of The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5, will include a newly defined mental disorder called “egoitis”, also known as “toxic ego”.
The disorder usually affects only the rich and famous and is characterized by delusions in which the patient drastically overestimates his or her intelligence, and consider themselves experts in areas where they have little or no knowledge. Examples include:
- Donald Trump and politics
- Mark Cuban and basketball
- Mayor Bloomberg and obesity
- President Obama and Israel, etc. (See list)
- Various Hollywood stars and just about anything
The disease is considered incurable. Even when faced with a loss of wealth or power, the patients cling to their delusions, often developing a coincident attack of paranoia as well. The prescribed treatment for the disorder is to “slap the patient silly”. Unfortunately, this does not result in any behavioral changes but does make family and associates feel better.
Filed under barack obama, celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Pamela Anderson’s publicist announced today that Ms. Anderson has recently completed a new children’s book aimed at young girls. Anderson recently underwent her third breast augmentation surgery and came up with idea for the book during her recovery. Ms. Anderson’s first surgery resulted in breasts which she later decided were too large; her second surgury gave her breasts which she decided were too small. After her third surgery, Ms Anderson now feels her breasts are just right. She recounts the spirtual journey she experienced along with these surgeries in her book titled: “Goldilocks and the Three Bras”.