Tag Archives: Mayor Bloomberg

New York City Drone Mystery Solved

Recently, there have been several articles in the news about the sighting of a mysterious “drone” aircraft near the JFK airport in New York City. Speculation on who was responsible for the drone has ranged from the Chinese to Islamic terrorists to Homeland Security to local hobbyists.   Today, however, the mystery was solved.  New York City officials told reporters today that the drone belongs to a top secret group inside the New York City Health Department.  The drone’s real function was to scour New York City streets looking for people sipping soft drinks from cups exceeding 16 ounces.  The Drone, nicknamed  “The Big Gulp Gonzo”, accidentally wandered into the air space over the airport when it’s pilot left for a bathroom break.  Due to the severe restrictions imposed by the “sequester”, the department had been forced to layoff backup pilots, and consequently no one was piloting the aircraft during the pilot’s break.  This arrangement had not caused any problems until that day, when the pilot purchased a supersized burrito from a street vendor (accompanied by a 14 oz soft drink), and developed severe gastronomical distress. The Department of Health is now reviewing its guidlines involving the use of drones and will likely require all pilots to only purchase drinks less than 12 ounces in size.

©Obamabeans 03/06/2013

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Filed under dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, satire, sequester, soft drink ban, the onion, Uncategorized

American Psychiatric Association Announces New Disorder

The American Psychiatric Association announced this week that the newest revision of The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5, will include a newly defined mental disorder called “egoitis”, also known as “toxic ego”.

The disorder usually affects only the rich and famous and is characterized by delusions in which the patient drastically overestimates his or her intelligence, and consider themselves experts in areas where they have little or no knowledge. Examples include:

  • Donald Trump and politics
  • Mark Cuban and basketball
  • Mayor Bloomberg and obesity
  • President Obama and Israel, etc.  (See list)
  • Various Hollywood stars and just about anything

The disease is considered incurable.  Even when faced with a loss of wealth or power, the patients cling to their delusions, often developing a coincident attack of paranoia as well.  The prescribed treatment for the disorder is to “slap the patient silly”.  Unfortunately, this does not result in any behavioral changes but does make family and associates feel better.

©Obamabeans 02/25/2013

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Filed under barack obama, celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house