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New York City Drone Mystery Solved

Recently, there have been several articles in the news about the sighting of a mysterious “drone” aircraft near the JFK airport in New York City. Speculation on who was responsible for the drone has ranged from the Chinese to Islamic terrorists to Homeland Security to local hobbyists.   Today, however, the mystery was solved.  New York City officials told reporters today that the drone belongs to a top secret group inside the New York City Health Department.  The drone’s real function was to scour New York City streets looking for people sipping soft drinks from cups exceeding 16 ounces.  The Drone, nicknamed  “The Big Gulp Gonzo”, accidentally wandered into the air space over the airport when it’s pilot left for a bathroom break.  Due to the severe restrictions imposed by the “sequester”, the department had been forced to layoff backup pilots, and consequently no one was piloting the aircraft during the pilot’s break.  This arrangement had not caused any problems until that day, when the pilot purchased a supersized burrito from a street vendor (accompanied by a 14 oz soft drink), and developed severe gastronomical distress. The Department of Health is now reviewing its guidlines involving the use of drones and will likely require all pilots to only purchase drinks less than 12 ounces in size.

©Obamabeans 03/06/2013

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Filed under dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, satire, sequester, soft drink ban, the onion, Uncategorized