New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today the findings of a study financed by the Mayor and conducted by the Berkeley Science and Health Institute of Technology (B.S.H.I.T.). The study, called Big Gulps and Guns, A Deadly Combination, found a statistical relationship between the drinking of oversize sodas, commonly referred to as Big Gulps, and gun violence. According to study, over 99% of all gun-related murders in t his country over the last five years have been committed by someone who drank a Big Gulp or similar sized soda less than four hours before the murder. The study goes on to demonstrate that there is a 40% chance of a person committing a serious crime before bedtime on any day that he/she consumes a plus sized soda. According to the mayor, “This demonstrates why it is so important to ban both guns and Big Gulps. By taking action on these two issues at the same time, we can with great certainty eliminate gun violence in America. But the benefits don’t need to be limited to just the United States. That’s why I’m taking my Guns and Big Gulps campaign overseas to the Middle East, both to Israel and the Arab nations. Perhaps we finally have within in our power the tool to solve the Middle East conflict for once and for all.”
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Recently, there have been several articles in the news about the sighting of a mysterious “drone” aircraft near the JFK airport in New York City. Speculation on who was responsible for the drone has ranged from the Chinese to Islamic terrorists to Homeland Security to local hobbyists. Today, however, the mystery was solved. New York City officials told reporters today that the drone belongs to a top secret group inside the New York City Health Department. The drone’s real function was to scour New York City streets looking for people sipping soft drinks from cups exceeding 16 ounces. The Drone, nicknamed “The Big Gulp Gonzo”, accidentally wandered into the air space over the airport when it’s pilot left for a bathroom break. Due to the severe restrictions imposed by the “sequester”, the department had been forced to layoff backup pilots, and consequently no one was piloting the aircraft during the pilot’s break. This arrangement had not caused any problems until that day, when the pilot purchased a supersized burrito from a street vendor (accompanied by a 14 oz soft drink), and developed severe gastronomical distress. The Department of Health is now reviewing its guidlines involving the use of drones and will likely require all pilots to only purchase drinks less than 12 ounces in size.