New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today the findings of a study financed by the Mayor and conducted by the Berkeley Science and Health Institute of Technology (B.S.H.I.T.). The study, called Big Gulps and Guns, A Deadly Combination, found a statistical relationship between the drinking of oversize sodas, commonly referred to as Big Gulps, and gun violence. According to study, over 99% of all gun-related murders in t his country over the last five years have been committed by someone who drank a Big Gulp or similar sized soda less than four hours before the murder. The study goes on to demonstrate that there is a 40% chance of a person committing a serious crime before bedtime on any day that he/she consumes a plus sized soda. According to the mayor, “This demonstrates why it is so important to ban both guns and Big Gulps. By taking action on these two issues at the same time, we can with great certainty eliminate gun violence in America. But the benefits don’t need to be limited to just the United States. That’s why I’m taking my Guns and Big Gulps campaign overseas to the Middle East, both to Israel and the Arab nations. Perhaps we finally have within in our power the tool to solve the Middle East conflict for once and for all.”
Filed under big gulp, bill maher, bloomberg, dennis miller, gun control, humor, jon stewart, mayor bloomberg, New York City, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, soft drink ban, soft drinks, the onion, Uncategorized
Representative Diana DeGette (D-Colo.) today defended herself against critics whom have claimed that DeGette did not know what high capacity magazines were. “I know exactly what high capacity magazines are. They are magazines published by right wing gun nuts that propagandize for gun ownerships and are probably funded by N.R.A. advertising. I’ve never actually read the Constitution, but I’ve read quite a bit about it and I realize the 2nd Amendment says that people have the right to say anything they want to, but enough is enough. These magazines need to be shut down and their printing presses destroyed.”
Filed under bill maher, dennis miller, gun control, humor, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized
After a seven year old boy was suspended from a Maryland school for chewing his pop tart (flavor unknown) into the shape of a gun, seven year olds in the school, angry at the suspension of their friend, reacted with violence. According to various reports, another seven-year old in the same classroom as the suspended boy smuggled a pack of pop tarts into the school yesterday morning. The school was equipped with the latest type of metal detectors and ATF agents are now trying to determine how the boy managed to get the pop tarts into the school.
Once in the school, it is believed the boy distributed eighteen pop tarts to other children. Seven of the pop tarts were then eaten, leaving eleven pop tarts which were subsequently chewed into the shapes of AK-47s, and 9 millimeter Glocks during recess. Upon returning to class, the eleven children, using the pop tart weapons, took their teacher, Auggie Swiftbout, hostage. The seven-year olds then released a list of demands to the school administration. These demands, written with various colored crayons on the back of a library book, included the reinstatement of their suspended classmate, lengthened recess periods, and unlimited Jell-O in the cafeteria. (The list also included a hand drawn picture of a purple giraffe, BUT Police believe that this was irrelevant.) The violence was finally brought to an end when a specially trained SWAT team composed of elementary teachers swarmed the classroom armed with Hello Kitty soap bubble guns. The seven year olds immediately began to bawl, dropped the three pop tart guns which had not been eaten, and surrendered to the teachers.
All students involved are being suspended for the duration of the school year, and upon returning next year, will be required to write “I will not make a gun from pop tarts” fifty times each. Since the incident Mayor Bloomberg has visited the school and praised the elementary teachers who subdued the renegade seven year olds. In his speech he stated that eliminating gun violence was the second most important issue in America, second only to banning 16+ ounce Big Gulps.
Filed under bill maher, dennis miller, gun control, humor, jon stewart, mayor bloomberg, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized
In a shocking move, Al Gore and Michael Moore announced today that they were initiating a joint venture for the manufacture of a new “green” handgun to be made in Detroit. Gore and Moore realize that their fellow progressives will be shocked by their involvement with the manufacture of a new gun. Betty Putz, spokersperson for the pair, has said that Gore and Moore believe that since a complete ban of guns in the United States is almost impossible, the best solution would be to develop an ecologically sustainable gun and manufacture it in the nearly bankrupt city of Detroit with former UAW workers. This would simultaneously create a new “green” industry and provide payback for a key Democrat support group. The gun would be made of a base of wheat grass and spent 9mm shells recovered from the almost unlimited supply found in the streets of Chicago and Detroit.
Gun enthusiasts had earlier been given some of the first production models produced at the Detroit plant and were encouraged to test the guns. Their findings, however, were not encouraging. Some of the comments made:
- Very small caliber, very short barrel.
- Goes off half-cocked.
- Barrel becomes limp immediately after firing
- Very inaccurate, always shoots far to the left.
Some models were also missing major parts- barrels, triggers, etc. Ms. Putz assured reporters that this had nothing to do with the fact they were made by UAW workers, and that Gore and Moore have already identified the quality problem: bad management. It seems that Gore and Moore hired most of the venture’s initial upper management team from various ”green” companies that had earlier received federal stimulus money but had subsequently went bankrupt. Many of these executives were actually investment bankers and lobbyists and had no real managment experience. These individuals are now being laid-off from the company, and will receive lifetime pensions paid for by money the Treasury department saved in denying help to Delphi salaried employees during the GM/Delphi/UAW bailout.
The White House today also announced that they were awarding $5 billion worth of stimulus funds to the new company with the condition that no guns produced by the company be sold in the U.S., and that all guns are be sold to the Justice Department for distribution in Mexico.
Filed under al gore, Delphi, Detroit, environmental, Fast and Furious, green industry, gun control, Justice Department, michael moore, Stimulus Package, UAW, Uncategorized