The Washington Post recently reported on the dearth of interviews granted by President Obama to the print media. He has not been interviewed by the Post for four years; The New York Times last interviewed him in 2010, and the President has never been interviewed by The Los Angeles Times, The Boston Globe, or The Chicago Tribune. Instead the President has focused all communication with the public throught television and radio.
Many editors at these publications are angry; they feel that four plus years of obsequiousness should have provided them with much more access to the President. When White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was asked about this, he replied: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”.
Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, jon stewart, media, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, press, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
The American Psychiatric Association announced this week that the newest revision of The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5, will include a newly defined mental disorder called “egoitis”, also known as “toxic ego”.
The disorder usually affects only the rich and famous and is characterized by delusions in which the patient drastically overestimates his or her intelligence, and consider themselves experts in areas where they have little or no knowledge. Examples include:
- Donald Trump and politics
- Mark Cuban and basketball
- Mayor Bloomberg and obesity
- President Obama and Israel, etc. (See list)
- Various Hollywood stars and just about anything
The disease is considered incurable. Even when faced with a loss of wealth or power, the patients cling to their delusions, often developing a coincident attack of paranoia as well. The prescribed treatment for the disorder is to “slap the patient silly”. Unfortunately, this does not result in any behavioral changes but does make family and associates feel better.
Filed under barack obama, celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Attention OBeaners: We’ve not received the tremendous response that we thought we would to our contest (Five Things Joe Biden Would Take On Vacation, first posted on 2/10/21013). Consequently, we’ve decided to up the ante with our prizes. Here is our new prize list:
Fifth Prize: Two discount coupons to the Donald Trump Hair Styling Academy, redeemable at any location.
Fourth Prize: A computer generated map showing the exact location of Joe Biden’s hair plugs, signed by Joe’s cosmetic surgeon.
Third Prize: A case of bronzed spent shells from President Obama’s skeet shooting adventure . (They make great paper weights!). As a bonus we’ll also include a photographic copy of the President’s fourth grade report card complete with teacher’s comments.
Second Prize: An artist’s rendition of Elizabeth Warren’s Native-American ancesters’ (alleged) first encounter with her European ancesters (not alleged) on the Trail of Tears. Editor’s note: contains bloody images that may be unsuitable for family viewing.
And the First Prize is:
Two free tickets to the Alec Baldwin Seminar on Anger Management. Mr. Baldwin will share the many anger management secrets he has learned over the years, including:
- Proper Flying Etiquette, or Don’t Get Angry over Angry Birds
- Why You Should Never Ridicule Your Brothers
- Treating the Paparazzi With Respect
- How Racial Epithets Hurt Everyone
- Positive Reinforcement and Parenthood
Filed under alec baldwin, barack obama, celebrity news, dennis miller, elizbeth warren, entertainment news, humor, indian, jon stewart, native-american, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
The Planned Parenthood executive committe issued an announcement today calling for Democratic senators and congresspeople to pass legislation requiring the forced sterilization of all males over the age of twenty-one. The announcement states that “this step, though radical, is the only true, permanent solution to society’s ongoing ‘baby problem’, and that this will provide women for the first time in history true independence from paternalism.” The statement said that the sterilization should be performed in the “most humane way possible.”
Anonymous sources inside Planned Parenthood say that there was strong opposition in some parts of the organization to elements of the proposal and much heated discussion. One group wanted the “most humane way possible” phrase replaced with “rusty knives”, but the majority of the committee felt that using this phrase would be politically detrimental. Another heated topic was a proposal by the two non-lesbians on the commttee to exempt male rappers from the legislation. The two members were bitterly attacked by some of the other members and accused of having undue physical attraction to the rappers. After much yelling and shouting, including frequent uses of the word “ho”, the two committee members dropped their proposal.
Filed under abortion, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, planned parenthood, politcal satire, political humor, satire, UAW, Uncategorized
White House press spokesperson Jay Carney announced today that construction will begin this spring on a new hockey rink to be installed in the basement of the White House. It seems the President has taken an interest in the sport, hoping that it might help him better understand Canadians, whose culture and political institutions have remained a complete mystery to the President up till this point.
Carney also said that the new sport will provide a new challenge to the President, who, during his first four years in the White House, has mastered golf, bowling, and skeet-shooting in addtion to playing his weekly pickup basketball games and cycling with his daughters. When asked when the President will find time for his new sport, Carney replied that the President always finds time for sports.
Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
California officials announced last night that Joseph Glabish, the last middle class citizen in California, died last Sunday marking the end of an era for the Golden State. The family has arranged for his burial to be in Arizona so that he might be near other former middle class Californians; however, the funeral will not take place for at least three months. California’ tax agents estimate this will be the amount of time required to search his body and his estate for every last penny they can find. Governor Brown has ordered flags to hang at half-mast today, and in honor of Mr. Glabish’s passing, the California legislature also passed a 20% pay raise for all government workers.
Filed under California, dennis miller, Governor Brown, humor, jerry brown, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, taxes, the onion, Uncategorized
In addition to being a Native-American, Senator Elizabeth Warren announced today that she is also an African-American. As in the case of her disputed Native-American heritage, Warren says she can’t prove she’s African-American, but she fondly remembers her great grandmother’s stories about life on the planation in southern Mississippi. She warmly recalls listening to her Nana talking about living in the big house, going to balls, and curiously ordering the other African-Americans around as if they were slaves.
Senator Warren thinks that this is why she and the President have such a close connection: they both think they’re African-American.
Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, elizbeth warren, humor, indian, jon stewart, native-american, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized
Engineers at MIT recently made the following calculations:
If the near $1 billion Al Gore has made promoting green energy in the last 12 years was cashed out as $1 bills, these $1 bills could be bundled and shipped to the nation’s various coal powered power plants where they could then be burnt as fuel in place of coal. The engineers have calculated that this could completely supply the nation’s electricity needs for the next 23 years. The only downside to this idea, other than the millions of angry consumers whose pockets would be stuffed with quarters while dollar bills were temorarily unavailable, would be a fine green mist emited as a by-product from the burning of the ink in the bills. The MIT engineers say that this green mist could actually have many positive effects on the environment, including halting global warming, patching the hole in the ozone layer, and saving the whales.
Many top environmentalists now think that this may have been Gore’s plan all along and are praising him as a true genius. No word from Gore as to when he intends to cash out his fortune.
As several news outlets reported prior to the President’s appearance last night, the principal thrust of the State of the Union address was jobs. The President admitted that after the Presidential campaign he had forgotten about unemployment being a serious problem for the country. He stated that, having now mastered skeet shooting, he would have more time to spend on important issues such as this one.
The President then went on to describe the landmark legislation he plans to introduce to Congress on this issue: “The Full Employment Act for Undocumented Workers of 2013″. Rather than deal with unemployment and immigration as two separate issues, the President will instead focus on what he termed as “the grand compromise’, new comprehensive legislation that will provide 100 percent employment for all undocumented workers (previously known as illegal aliens). This new legislation will call for increased spending to train undocumented workers to provide them with more marketable skills, empower the EEO to review companies’ hiring processes to ensure they are not discriminating against undocumented workers, and to provide a nationwide series of government owned ATMs, where undocumented workers can go and electronically send their paychecks back to Mexico. The legislation would also provide tax credits for any payments made to “coyotes”, criminals who help smuggle illegals across the border. [Note: administration officials say that this tax credit should have no effect on the national deficit since very few undocumented workers ever pay any income tax.]
The President also addressed questions as to why his Job Council had not met in over a year. The President mentioned several reasons, including the time he spent campaigning last year and the aforementioned time committment made to improve his skeet shooting. However, the single biggest reason was his discovery that most of the individuals appointed to the Jobs Council were actually from private industry. The President realized that they would be overly biased in favor of private sector jobs and not give enough emphasis to creating new government jobs. He explained that he never would have appointed them if he had know their background. He also stated that he did not understand why his staff had submitted their names to him for appointment; that they had been vetted through the same exhaustive process used to identify his cabinet appointments.
Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, economy, humor, immigration, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, unemployment, white house
Last weekend, the White House welcomed President Obama’s boyhood friends, the Choom Gang. President Obama spent most of Saturday afternoon reminiscing with the Gang and later in the day the Gang could be seen cruising the Washington DC in the presidential limo. Reporters were unable to tell if the President accompanied the Gang members due to the large cloud of smoke inside the limo which obscured the faces of the passengers.