The Planned Parenthood executive committe issued an announcement today calling for Democratic senators and congresspeople to pass legislation requiring the forced sterilization of all males over the age of twenty-one. The announcement states that “this step, though radical, is the only true, permanent solution to society’s ongoing ‘baby problem’, and that this will provide women for the first time in history true independence from paternalism.” The statement said that the sterilization should be performed in the “most humane way possible.”
Anonymous sources inside Planned Parenthood say that there was strong opposition in some parts of the organization to elements of the proposal and much heated discussion. One group wanted the “most humane way possible” phrase replaced with “rusty knives”, but the majority of the committee felt that using this phrase would be politically detrimental. Another heated topic was a proposal by the two non-lesbians on the commttee to exempt male rappers from the legislation. The two members were bitterly attacked by some of the other members and accused of having undue physical attraction to the rappers. After much yelling and shouting, including frequent uses of the word “ho”, the two committee members dropped their proposal.
Filed under abortion, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, planned parenthood, politcal satire, political humor, satire, UAW, Uncategorized
In a shocking move, Al Gore and Michael Moore announced today that they were initiating a joint venture for the manufacture of a new “green” handgun to be made in Detroit. Gore and Moore realize that their fellow progressives will be shocked by their involvement with the manufacture of a new gun. Betty Putz, spokersperson for the pair, has said that Gore and Moore believe that since a complete ban of guns in the United States is almost impossible, the best solution would be to develop an ecologically sustainable gun and manufacture it in the nearly bankrupt city of Detroit with former UAW workers. This would simultaneously create a new “green” industry and provide payback for a key Democrat support group. The gun would be made of a base of wheat grass and spent 9mm shells recovered from the almost unlimited supply found in the streets of Chicago and Detroit.
Gun enthusiasts had earlier been given some of the first production models produced at the Detroit plant and were encouraged to test the guns. Their findings, however, were not encouraging. Some of the comments made:
- Very small caliber, very short barrel.
- Goes off half-cocked.
- Barrel becomes limp immediately after firing
- Very inaccurate, always shoots far to the left.
Some models were also missing major parts- barrels, triggers, etc. Ms. Putz assured reporters that this had nothing to do with the fact they were made by UAW workers, and that Gore and Moore have already identified the quality problem: bad management. It seems that Gore and Moore hired most of the venture’s initial upper management team from various ”green” companies that had earlier received federal stimulus money but had subsequently went bankrupt. Many of these executives were actually investment bankers and lobbyists and had no real managment experience. These individuals are now being laid-off from the company, and will receive lifetime pensions paid for by money the Treasury department saved in denying help to Delphi salaried employees during the GM/Delphi/UAW bailout.
The White House today also announced that they were awarding $5 billion worth of stimulus funds to the new company with the condition that no guns produced by the company be sold in the U.S., and that all guns are be sold to the Justice Department for distribution in Mexico.
Filed under al gore, Delphi, Detroit, environmental, Fast and Furious, green industry, gun control, Justice Department, michael moore, Stimulus Package, UAW, Uncategorized