California officials today were pleased to announce that the first shovel ready jobs will now be created in California four years after the Stimulus Package was passed. “It’s taken awhile for the jobs to show up but we’re glad they’re finally here” said Governor Jerry Brown. The jobs will be involved in creating a new landfill to bury the hundreds of defective solar panels from the now bankrupt Solyndra manufacturing facility in Fremont. Governor Brown also noted that these jobs are in reality “green jobs, even though most people might not see it that way at first”. Later in the day, Al Gore tweeted ”This is just further proof that the future of job creation in this country lay in Green Energy”.
Filed under al gore, bill maher, California, dennis miller, Governor Brown, green industry, humor, jerry brown, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, stimulus, Stimulus Package, the onion, Uncategorized
In a shocking move, Al Gore and Michael Moore announced today that they were initiating a joint venture for the manufacture of a new “green” handgun to be made in Detroit. Gore and Moore realize that their fellow progressives will be shocked by their involvement with the manufacture of a new gun. Betty Putz, spokersperson for the pair, has said that Gore and Moore believe that since a complete ban of guns in the United States is almost impossible, the best solution would be to develop an ecologically sustainable gun and manufacture it in the nearly bankrupt city of Detroit with former UAW workers. This would simultaneously create a new “green” industry and provide payback for a key Democrat support group. The gun would be made of a base of wheat grass and spent 9mm shells recovered from the almost unlimited supply found in the streets of Chicago and Detroit.
Gun enthusiasts had earlier been given some of the first production models produced at the Detroit plant and were encouraged to test the guns. Their findings, however, were not encouraging. Some of the comments made:
- Very small caliber, very short barrel.
- Goes off half-cocked.
- Barrel becomes limp immediately after firing
- Very inaccurate, always shoots far to the left.
Some models were also missing major parts- barrels, triggers, etc. Ms. Putz assured reporters that this had nothing to do with the fact they were made by UAW workers, and that Gore and Moore have already identified the quality problem: bad management. It seems that Gore and Moore hired most of the venture’s initial upper management team from various ”green” companies that had earlier received federal stimulus money but had subsequently went bankrupt. Many of these executives were actually investment bankers and lobbyists and had no real managment experience. These individuals are now being laid-off from the company, and will receive lifetime pensions paid for by money the Treasury department saved in denying help to Delphi salaried employees during the GM/Delphi/UAW bailout.
The White House today also announced that they were awarding $5 billion worth of stimulus funds to the new company with the condition that no guns produced by the company be sold in the U.S., and that all guns are be sold to the Justice Department for distribution in Mexico.
Filed under al gore, Delphi, Detroit, environmental, Fast and Furious, green industry, gun control, Justice Department, michael moore, Stimulus Package, UAW, Uncategorized