California officials today were pleased to announce that the first shovel ready jobs will now be created in California four years after the Stimulus Package was passed. “It’s taken awhile for the jobs to show up but we’re glad they’re finally here” said Governor Jerry Brown. The jobs will be involved in creating a new landfill to bury the hundreds of defective solar panels from the now bankrupt Solyndra manufacturing facility in Fremont. Governor Brown also noted that these jobs are in reality “green jobs, even though most people might not see it that way at first”. Later in the day, Al Gore tweeted ”This is just further proof that the future of job creation in this country lay in Green Energy”.
Filed under al gore, bill maher, California, dennis miller, Governor Brown, green industry, humor, jerry brown, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, stimulus, Stimulus Package, the onion, Uncategorized
The President has spent the last few weeks touring the country and warning the public about the drastic changes that the country will experience with the advent of the “Sequester”, a mandatory 8 to 9% cut if federal spending, which began last Friday. The country is now experiencing some of these effects, and they aren’t pretty. Today the White House announced:
- Commercial air traffic will only occur on even days of the Month.
- All states west of the Mississippi will be without power on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. All states east of the Mississippi wil be without power on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday. Exception: Washington DC will keep sucking as much power as ever.
- The defense department is currently negotiating a deal to lease our Pacific fleet to China for the next four years.
- Starting next week, Air Force One will now sell one hour rides for $5,000 each. (Rides will be free, however, to Presidential reelection campaign donors who gave over $500,000.)
- Any prisoner currently incarcerated at a federal prison will be released, so long as he or she writes “I will not do it again” fifty times on the blackboard, in the language of his or her choosing.
- Alaska is being sold back to the Russians. The Russians are currently demanding that Sarah Palin also be included in the deal. The White House is in favor of agreeing to the Russian demand, but has not yet persuaded Palin to do her patriotic duty and acquiesce.
- To reduce the size of the White House travel budget (estimated at over one billion dollars for the last four years), the President has stated that he will only take one daughter with him and Michelle on future vacations. The two girls will rotate; the daughter remaining in Washington will then be babysat by the Secret Service.
Mayor Bloomberg also spoke on the hardships being imposed on New York City by the “Sequester”:
- The City will reduce its active police force to 23 policemen, 17 of which will be serving in the Mayor’s personal detail.
- Firefighters will be reduced to 32 active firefighters. Those firefighters will each be issued three cases of bottled water; this being necessary due to the lack of fuel for water trucks.
- Likewise, the four remaining city EMTs will be issued portable first aid kits, since no money is available for ambulances either.
- The Mayor did say that by moving funds from the budgets of less critical organizations, he was certain the all 234 “Big Gulp” inspectors will remain on the job.
Update: The California state legislature, concerned about the harm the “Sequester” might cause to the state, today passed a 20% pay increase for all government workers.
Filed under barack obama, budget, California, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, taxes, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
California officials announced last night that Joseph Glabish, the last middle class citizen in California, died last Sunday marking the end of an era for the Golden State. The family has arranged for his burial to be in Arizona so that he might be near other former middle class Californians; however, the funeral will not take place for at least three months. California’ tax agents estimate this will be the amount of time required to search his body and his estate for every last penny they can find. Governor Brown has ordered flags to hang at half-mast today, and in honor of Mr. Glabish’s passing, the California legislature also passed a 20% pay raise for all government workers.
Filed under California, dennis miller, Governor Brown, humor, jerry brown, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, taxes, the onion, Uncategorized