The White House today announced that they were proposing legislation to privatize the Treasury Department. Spokesperson Jay Carney said that the sale would result in an annual savings of up to one billion dollars. Said Carney “I think most of you know we are not a big fan of privatization here at the White House. But when you look at the large number of investment bank personnel that work at the Treasury Department and realize that they are performing the same functions and advocating the same policies that they did at their former employers, it just makes sense for them to stay at the big banks, do what they’re already doing, and save the tax payers’ money.” Carney said the contract would be awarded through competitive bidding, but that the decision had already been made that the winner would be Goldman Sachs.
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, budget, dennis miller, economy, Goldman Sachs, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Various reports emerged today from Washington, D.C. concerning a loud wailing noise that could be heard even in the nearby countryside last Monday. White House officials at first attributed the wailing to thousands of young children in the city who were being deprived of decent meals due to the “sequestration”. But when it was later determined that the wailing actually originated in the plush nearby suburbs, investigators discovered that the noise was coming from thousands of K Street lobbyists who were beginning to see the effects of the “sequestration”.
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Recently, there have been several articles in the news about the sighting of a mysterious “drone” aircraft near the JFK airport in New York City. Speculation on who was responsible for the drone has ranged from the Chinese to Islamic terrorists to Homeland Security to local hobbyists. Today, however, the mystery was solved. New York City officials told reporters today that the drone belongs to a top secret group inside the New York City Health Department. The drone’s real function was to scour New York City streets looking for people sipping soft drinks from cups exceeding 16 ounces. The Drone, nicknamed “The Big Gulp Gonzo”, accidentally wandered into the air space over the airport when it’s pilot left for a bathroom break. Due to the severe restrictions imposed by the “sequester”, the department had been forced to layoff backup pilots, and consequently no one was piloting the aircraft during the pilot’s break. This arrangement had not caused any problems until that day, when the pilot purchased a supersized burrito from a street vendor (accompanied by a 14 oz soft drink), and developed severe gastronomical distress. The Department of Health is now reviewing its guidlines involving the use of drones and will likely require all pilots to only purchase drinks less than 12 ounces in size.
Vice President Joe Biden said today that he has been eager to work on the “Sequester”, but so far has been unable to persuade Ann Romney to loan him her horse, Rafalca.
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The President has spent the last few weeks touring the country and warning the public about the drastic changes that the country will experience with the advent of the “Sequester”, a mandatory 8 to 9% cut if federal spending, which began last Friday. The country is now experiencing some of these effects, and they aren’t pretty. Today the White House announced:
- Commercial air traffic will only occur on even days of the Month.
- All states west of the Mississippi will be without power on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. All states east of the Mississippi wil be without power on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday. Exception: Washington DC will keep sucking as much power as ever.
- The defense department is currently negotiating a deal to lease our Pacific fleet to China for the next four years.
- Starting next week, Air Force One will now sell one hour rides for $5,000 each. (Rides will be free, however, to Presidential reelection campaign donors who gave over $500,000.)
- Any prisoner currently incarcerated at a federal prison will be released, so long as he or she writes “I will not do it again” fifty times on the blackboard, in the language of his or her choosing.
- Alaska is being sold back to the Russians. The Russians are currently demanding that Sarah Palin also be included in the deal. The White House is in favor of agreeing to the Russian demand, but has not yet persuaded Palin to do her patriotic duty and acquiesce.
- To reduce the size of the White House travel budget (estimated at over one billion dollars for the last four years), the President has stated that he will only take one daughter with him and Michelle on future vacations. The two girls will rotate; the daughter remaining in Washington will then be babysat by the Secret Service.
Mayor Bloomberg also spoke on the hardships being imposed on New York City by the “Sequester”:
- The City will reduce its active police force to 23 policemen, 17 of which will be serving in the Mayor’s personal detail.
- Firefighters will be reduced to 32 active firefighters. Those firefighters will each be issued three cases of bottled water; this being necessary due to the lack of fuel for water trucks.
- Likewise, the four remaining city EMTs will be issued portable first aid kits, since no money is available for ambulances either.
- The Mayor did say that by moving funds from the budgets of less critical organizations, he was certain the all 234 “Big Gulp” inspectors will remain on the job.
Update: The California state legislature, concerned about the harm the “Sequester” might cause to the state, today passed a 20% pay increase for all government workers.
Filed under barack obama, budget, California, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, taxes, the onion, Uncategorized, white house