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President’s New Focus on Jobs

As several news outlets reported prior to the President’s appearance last night, the principal thrust of the State of the Union address was jobs.  The President admitted that after the Presidential campaign he had forgotten about unemployment being a serious problem for the country.  He stated that, having now mastered skeet shooting, he would have more time to spend on important issues such as this one.

The President then went on to describe the landmark legislation he plans to introduce to Congress on this issue:  “The Full Employment Act for Undocumented Workers of 2013″.  Rather than deal with unemployment and immigration as two separate issues, the President will instead focus on what he termed as “the grand compromise’, new comprehensive legislation that will provide 100 percent employment for all undocumented workers (previously known as illegal aliens). This new legislation will call for increased spending to train undocumented workers to provide them with more marketable skills, empower the EEO to review companies’ hiring processes to ensure they are not discriminating against undocumented workers, and to provide a nationwide series of government owned ATMs, where undocumented workers can go and electronically send their paychecks back to Mexico. The legislation would also provide tax credits for any payments made to “coyotes”, criminals who help smuggle illegals across the border.  [Note: administration officials say that this tax credit should have no effect on the national deficit since very few undocumented workers ever pay any income tax.]

The President also addressed questions as to why his Job Council had not met in over a year.  The President mentioned several reasons, including the time he spent campaigning last year and the aforementioned time committment made to improve his skeet shooting. However, the single biggest reason was his discovery that most of the individuals appointed to the Jobs Council were actually from private industry.  The President realized that they would be overly biased in favor of private sector jobs and not give enough emphasis to creating new government jobs.  He explained that he never would have appointed them if he had know their background.  He also stated that he did not understand why his staff had submitted their names to him for appointment; that they had been vetted through the same exhaustive process used to identify his cabinet appointments.

©Obamabeans 02/14/2013

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White House Discusses Reasons for Its New Immigration Plan

The following report was filed by Bubba Batengrate, Obamabeans beanfield correspondent:

On the heels of the bipartisan immigration plan proposed by the Senate, President Obama has announced his own immigration plan.

Speaking in Las Vegas today, the President explained why the White House decided to propose a separate plan:

“Our Founding Fathers had an everlasting vision for America. An America where the President and Congress worked together to compromise to make law. But the last day of this everlasting vision was yesterday. The time to end it is now. We must recognize that it was a flawed vision because they were flawed men. I have a perfect vision.

‘In that vision, the President has a duty to not only do what is popular, but to do what is right. It is then the duty of the media to make what the President does popular. Our Founding Fathers gave the President this thing called a veto. The veto was to be used to restrain the excesses of Congress. And I will use it to restrain not only the excesses of bipartisanship in this immigration plan proposed by the Senate, but the excesses of bipartisanship everywhere. This is exactly the sort of gridlock in Washington that the American people are so tired of. We owe it to them to do better.”

Approached by reporters as he was carrying a bucket full of nickels, Vice President Joe Biden offered his own theory. “Of course, we’re introducing our own plan. The Senate plan was a good plan, but it wasn’t going to royally piss off the House or humiliate Boehner. And you gotta do both those before passing anything. Otherwise, how do you know how much you could have gotten? And how’s a President supposed to look great if he just lets the Senate steal his thunder like that? Hey, anybody know where I can find the Enchanted Unicorn slot machines?”

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