Category Archives: Uncategorized

Historian Michael Beschloss, famous for his controversial comments in 2008 saying that President Obama was the smartest President ever (“an IQ  just off the charts!”),  recently said that it was time for a reassessment of the man’s intelligence.  Beschloss said that when you ask how the President was recently re-elected after four poor economic years, the “Fast & Furious” scandal, Obamacare, Benghazi, and other disasters, the only acceptable answer is “because the man is brilliant”. “Thomas Jefferson, Lincoln- they were very intelligent men”, said Beschloss, but  “their acheivements just can’t stack-up to Obama’s”.   In fact, Beschloss says he not only believes that Obama may be the smartest President ever, he believes President Obama may be the first human being to possess a four digit IQ.

When White House Spokesperson Jay Carney was asked about the President’s IQ test scores, Carney said the President’s IQ test report was filed along with the President’s birth certificate in an undisclosed location.

In a related note, upon hearing Beschloss’s comments, television pundit Chris Matthews reportedly peed down his leg.

©Obamabeans 1/02/2013

White House Spokesperson Jay Carney announced today that after an extensive investigation into what actually happened in the Benghazi massacre last October, the Justice Department has concluded that former President George Bush was responsible.  To prove the point, Carney showed a brief  three-second clip from “Innocence of Muslims”, the anti-Muslim movie said to spark the outrage. Carney asked reporters to take a close look at the upper right hand corner of the screen, where a man dressed in a Barney costume could clearly be seen to be former Vice-President Dick Cheney.  Carney said that Bush wrote the script for the film, and Cheney, under orders from Bush,  directed and produced the film. Carney said that the mangled syntax used in the dialogue throughout much of the film was further evidence of Bush’s involvement. The film was then shipped to Libya where Bush showed the video to thousands of angry Muslims, then led them in an Aggie fight song before they descended on the consulate.  Bush and Cheney were apparently working for Halliburton, hoping that the crisis would allow it to seize Libyan oil fields and further its goal to take over the planet. After showing the clip, Carney said that this demonstrates exactly why we so badly need to raise taxes on the rich.

©Obamabeans 1/02/2013

After extensive research and discussion, the Editorial Staff here at the Obama Beans County Register have determined that New Year’s Day and New Year’s Eve are secular holidays and have no religion status.  At first we had some concerns that it was a Druidic holiday and involved the Stonehench and certain pagan rites that cannot be mentioned in a family-friendly publication (except in San Francisco), but when we unable to find any Druids to confirm these issues, we made our decision.

So, we feel safe to say the following:

The Editorial Staff of The Obama Beans County Register Wish Everyone a Very Happy New Year!

Legal disclaimer: if any atheists out there feel we made a mistake, please take the issue up with the Druids, who should have answered our phone calls.

Also note:  our staff, having just fully recovered from our eggnog binge last weekend, is now starting on the hard stuff.  Definitely no new articles till January 2nd, and that hinges on several factors: whether our senior editors try to dance the Limbo again, exactly how high the bail is set, and whether tomato juice is everything it’s cracked-up to be.

©Obamabeans 12/31/2012

Vice President Joe Biden was admitted to a Bethesda hospital briefly yesterday for some minor elective surgery.  When the Vice President was summoned to the White House for a meeting on the fiscal cliff on Thursday, he apparently was unaware the phrase “fiscal cliff” was actually a metaphor and attempted to wear a crash helmet to the meeting. Secret Service agents forcibly removed the helmet from the Vice President’s head, and in doing so damaged some of his more recent hair plugs which required replacement.

©Obamabeans 12/29/2012

Television pundit Chris Matthews, speaking about his often quoted remark about  President Obama’s 2008 nomination causing a “tingling down” his leg, expressed his frustration to one of our OB reporters, saying that he had been misquoted and never actually said the phrase “tingling down my leg”. Matthew’s said that what he actually said at the time was that Obama’s nomination caused him to ”pee down his leg”.

©Obamabeans 12/28/2012

In response to critics who say that he has not done any new or interesting research for several years, Dr. Paul Krugman announced that he had recently completed a new and seminal work in economics, titled “Why I Always Lose at Monopoly”.  In his book Dr. Krugman explains how the game is overwhelming biased against progressives and other enlightened individuals.  In his analysis of the game, Krugman describes how greedy, unscrupulous opponents intentionally build hotels surrounding other players’ properties, demand outrageous rents, and, with the help of equally unscrupulous bankers, force bankruptcy on the other players.   In a feat of breathtaking creativity, Krugman has proposed a new and completely revised version of the game. In this version, rent controls are placed on all properties, Boardwalk is nationalized and owned by all players in common, everyone is given free houses and free Community Chest cards, and,  in place of receiving $200 for passing “Go”, players now receive one “See a Doctor in Under 18 months with Obamacare” card instead. In this updated version a new position is created, called “The Government”, which now owns the bank, actually rolls the dice and moves the tokens for all the players, and hands out money based on a complicated set of rules yet to be determined. According to Krugman, “Any idiot can now play and not lose; in fact, you don’t even need to be present to play.”  No word on when or if Parker Brothers intend to implement these changes.

©Obamabeans 12/27/2012

The New York Times reported that they had a obtained a copy of Donald Trump’s birth certificate showing that he had been born in Swaziland.  The Swaziland ambassador to the United States immediately responded, saying that Swaziland was seriously considering a libel suit against the Times.

©Obamabeans 12/27/2012

1.  ________

2.  ________

3.  Down the hall and to the left; no, it’s to the right.

4.  ________

5.  ________

©Obamabeans 12/26/2012

1.  Spending cuts

2.  “Well, slap my a** and call me Sally”

3.  penny loafers

©Obamabeans 12/26/2012

1.  English weights and measures (too old-fashioned)

2.  Double shot expressos  (unhealthy and dangerous)

On a related note, The McDonald Corporation announced that the Mayor’s recent decision will force a third major revision in their marketing plans for NYC. The company, which recently revised its marketing plan to feature three-sixteenth pound burgers with cheese due to the Mayor’s ban on quarter pound hamburgers, then was forced to modify that plan to comply with the Mayor’s ban on cheese, now is fervently working a a campaign to market 85 gram burgers.

©Obamabeans 12/26/2012