Category Archives: bill maher

by obeams | March 14, 2013

New York Times Congratulates New Pope

In a major editorial today in The New York Times, the editors congratulated Pope Francis on his election and urged him to quickly take steps to modernize the Church and to begin to make the Church once again relevant in modern society. Specifically they asked the new Pope to implement the following actions:

Abandon celibacy as a requirement for the priesthood, while limiting sexual partners to no more than three a day.
Actively promote abortion as a lifestyle decision.
Promote the use of contraceptives.
Embrace homosexuality, except for existing priests who may have been in the closet for years. These priests should be defrocked.
Formally state that marriage can be between any number of people, any sex, any age, and any species.
Rename Christmas Kwanzaa.
Commit to making the next Pope a woman; immediately raise the number of woman priests, bishops, and archbishops to over 50% of the total, even if it means ordaining non-Christian women.
Accept Islam as equal or superior to Christianity.
Apologize to all people, living or dead, who may not have liked the Catholic Church, including Maureen Dowd.
Embrace any other items on the Democratic Party Platform not previously mentioned.

Recognizing the power of tradition which has been present for centuries in the Catholic Church, The Times’ editors stated that the clergy could keep their robes and funny hats but wear them only on holidays.

If the new Pope is willing to make these changes, The Times then recommends he immediately take the following actions to modernize the image of the Church:

Deliver Mass wearing sandals and a t-shirt.
Make numerous appearances on Jay Leno, Dave Letterman, and The View.
Schedule numerous photo ops with the Pope skiing in the Alps and windsurfing in the Caribbean.
Take up skeet shooting as a hobby and occasionally golf with Tiger Woods.
Vacation at George Clooney’s villa in the south of Italy.
Date a supermodel and give her free run of the Vatican.
Make sure the supermodel presents the award for Best Picture at the Oscars.
Excommunicate Paul Ryan.
Nominate President Obama for sainthood.

To encourage the new Pope to quickly take these actions, Maureen Dowd, columnist for The Times, has agreed to quit sending hate mails to the Pope and stop circulating anonymous emails containing a picture of a well known porn star with the Pope’s face superimposed.

The Times editors noted that some critics might say that, if these changes were implemented, the Catholic Church would be no different than the Episcopalians; the editors then iterated that the priests get to keep their robes and funny hats.

©Obamabeans 03/14/2013

Al Gore Green Energy Wealth Creation System

Al Gore announced today that he has written a new book, entitled “The Al Gore Green Energy Wealth Creation System“, which should be on the market by late summer. In the book Gore describes how investors can become wealthy and at the same time promote “green” causes by following his guidelines. Below is a step-by-step summary of his system:

1. Investigate emerging “green” technologies.
2. Select a technology that is based on its popularity with the media, preferably one which President Obama has mentioned in a speech.
3. Contact a well connected political figure who has an interest in “green” causes (someone like Al Gore); offer him a share of your new company in lieu of consulting fees. Have a press conference.
4. Contact various rich investors, celebrities including Leonardo DiCaprio, and government agencies requesting seed money. Have a press conference.
5. After obtaining funding ($1,000,000 to $10,000,000), hire a small team of engineers and build a working prototype.
6. Call a news conference showcasing the prototype. Make sure the public understands that although the prototype cost several million dollars to build, when in mass production the green device would only cost $1.57 a piece. Ask Leonardo DiCaprio to speak.
7. Contact investment bankers, preferable Goldman Sachs (due to its political connections); issue a public offering of stock. Plan on raising $100,000,000 million in capital while insuring that you and your consultant still control 51% of the company. Have a press conference. Invite the President to speak.
8. Raise $100,000,000 in cash. Have a press conference.
9. Give yourself a $5,000,000 salary. Give your consultant $5,000,000 in consulting fees.
10. Find a building site. Have a press conference.
11. Ask for local and state tax abatements. Have a press conference.
11. Hire lots more engineers. Have a press conference. Ask the President to speak.
12. Promise to hire a lot more people. Have a press conference.
13. Ask for $100,000,000 worth of government grants. Have a press conference.
14. After receiving grants, begin construction of plant. Have a press conference.
15. Announce that, due to unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
16. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him.
17. Raise your salary to $10,000,000. Give consultant addition $5,000,000 in fees.
17. Announce that, due to more unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
18. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him again.
19. After receiving orders for the new device, based on a $1.57 sales price, issue additional stock. Have a press conference.
20. Ask the investment bankers to start slowly selling your shares as well as your consultant’s shares, with as little publicity as possible.
22. Tell engineers that you can no longer pay them, but to “hang tough”.
23. Notify suppliers that they will need to cut their prices by 50% for the new enterprise to succeed.
21. After conferring with your engineers, announce that the new device will actually cost $1,789 a piece and delivery a third of the originally predicted performance.
22. File bankruptcy.
23. Look for new “green” technology to start all over again.
24. Have a press conference. Invite the President.

Although your enterprise ends with bankruptcy, practically everyone emerges as a winner:

You receive several million dollars in salary, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of your stock.
Your consultant receives several million dollars in consulting fees, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of his stock.
Goldman Sachs receives million of dollars in transaction fees for the issuance of new stock.
Leonardo DiCaprio and other investors get to feel good about investing in a noble cause: “green” energy.
President Obama gets to make numerous press conferences.
The engineers got paid during a portion of their tenure at the company; they get to add “green” technology to their resume, and are subsequently hired at a new emerging “green” company.
Al Gore gets to write a book about it.
Taxpayers get the satisfaction of knowing that the President is living up to his campaign promises.

©Obamabeans 03/13/2013

Violence at Maryland Elementary School

After a seven year old boy was suspended from a Maryland school for chewing his pop tart (flavor unknown) into the shape of a gun, seven year olds in the school, angry at the suspension of their friend, reacted with violence. According to various reports, another seven-year old in the same classroom as the suspended boy smuggled a pack of pop tarts into the school yesterday morning. The school was equipped with the latest type of metal detectors and ATF agents are now trying to determine how the boy managed to get the pop tarts into the school.

Once in the school, it is believed the boy distributed eighteen pop tarts to other children. Seven of the pop tarts were then eaten, leaving eleven pop tarts which were subsequently chewed into the shapes of AK-47s, and 9 millimeter Glocks during recess. Upon returning to class, the eleven children, using the pop tart weapons, took their teacher, Auggie Swiftbout, hostage. The seven-year olds then released a list of demands to the school administration. These demands, written with various colored crayons on the back of a library book, included the reinstatement of their suspended classmate, lengthened recess periods, and unlimited Jell-O in the cafeteria. (The list also included a hand drawn picture of a purple giraffe, BUT Police believe that this was irrelevant.) The violence was finally brought to an end when a specially trained SWAT team composed of elementary teachers swarmed the classroom armed with Hello Kitty soap bubble guns. The seven year olds immediately began to bawl, dropped the three pop tart guns which had not been eaten, and surrendered to the teachers.

All students involved are being suspended for the duration of the school year, and upon returning next year, will be required to write “I will not make a gun from pop tarts” fifty times each. Since the incident Mayor Bloomberg has visited the school and praised the elementary teachers who subdued the renegade seven year olds. In his speech he stated that eliminating gun violence was the second most important issue in America, second only to banning 16+ ounce Big Gulps.

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Filed under bill maher, dennis miller, gun control, humor, jon stewart, mayor bloomberg, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized

Tagged as bill maher, dennis miller, Gun Control, humor, jon stewart, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, onion, political humor, political satire, pop tarts, the onion

by obeams | March 11, 2013

British Crown Jewels to be Loaned to White House

The White House today announced that the British Royal Family recently agreed to loan the British crown jewels, including the Queen’s tiara, to the White House for the next four years. When asked whether any new security measures would be installed to protect the invaluable jewels, White House press director, Jay Carney, stated that, when the crown and jewels were not being worn by President Obama or the first lady, they would be safely kept in the President’s sock drawer.

Category Archives: bill maher

New York Times Congratulates New Pope

Al Gore Green Energy Wealth Creation System

Violence at Maryland Elementary School

British Crown Jewels to be Loaned to White House

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