Tag Archives: Obama

American Psychiatric Association Announces New Disorder

The American Psychiatric Association announced this week that the newest revision of The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5, will include a newly defined mental disorder called “egoitis”, also known as “toxic ego”.

The disorder usually affects only the rich and famous and is characterized by delusions in which the patient drastically overestimates his or her intelligence, and consider themselves experts in areas where they have little or no knowledge. Examples include:

  • Donald Trump and politics
  • Mark Cuban and basketball
  • Mayor Bloomberg and obesity
  • President Obama and Israel, etc.  (See list)
  • Various Hollywood stars and just about anything

The disease is considered incurable.  Even when faced with a loss of wealth or power, the patients cling to their delusions, often developing a coincident attack of paranoia as well.  The prescribed treatment for the disorder is to “slap the patient silly”.  Unfortunately, this does not result in any behavioral changes but does make family and associates feel better.

©Obamabeans 02/25/2013

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Filed under barack obama, celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house

Obamabeans Contest Update

Attention OBeaners:  We’ve not received the tremendous response that we thought we would to our contest (Five Things Joe Biden Would Take On Vacation, first posted on 2/10/21013). Consequently, we’ve decided to up the ante with our prizes.  Here is our new prize list:

Fifth Prize:  Two discount coupons to the Donald Trump Hair Styling Academy, redeemable at any location.

Fourth Prize:  A computer generated map showing the exact location of Joe Biden’s hair plugs, signed by Joe’s cosmetic surgeon.

Third Prize: A case of bronzed spent shells from President Obama’s skeet shooting adventure . (They make great paper weights!). As a bonus we’ll also include a photographic copy of the President’s fourth grade report card complete with teacher’s comments.

Second Prize: An artist’s rendition of Elizabeth Warren’s Native-American ancesters’ (alleged) first encounter with her European ancesters (not alleged) on the Trail of Tears. Editor’s note: contains bloody images that may be unsuitable for family viewing.

And the First Prize is:

Two free tickets to the Alec Baldwin Seminar on Anger Management.  Mr. Baldwin will share the many anger management secrets he has learned over the years, including:  

  •      Proper Flying Etiquette, or Don’t Get Angry over Angry Birds
  •      Why You Should Never Ridicule Your Brothers
  •      Treating the Paparazzi With Respect
  •      How Racial Epithets Hurt Everyone
  •      Positive Reinforcement and Parenthood

©Obamabeans 02/21/2013

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Filed under alec baldwin, barack obama, celebrity news, dennis miller, elizbeth warren, entertainment news, humor, indian, jon stewart, native-american, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized, white house

White House to Install Hockey Rink in Basement

White House press spokesperson Jay Carney announced today that construction will begin this spring on a new hockey rink  to be installed in the basement of the White House.  It seems the President has taken an interest in the sport, hoping that it might help him better understand Canadians, whose culture and political institutions have remained a complete mystery to the President up till this point.

Carney also said that the new sport will provide a new challenge to the President, who, during his first four years in the White House, has mastered golf, bowling, and skeet-shooting in addtion to playing his weekly pickup basketball games and cycling with his daughters. When asked when the President will find time for his new sport, Carney replied that the President always finds time for sports.

©Obamabeans 02/19/2013

 

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Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized, white house

Elizabeth Warren’s Latest Ethnic Revelation

In addition to being a Native-American, Senator Elizabeth Warren announced today that she is also an African-American.  As in the case of her disputed Native-American heritage, Warren says she can’t prove she’s African-American, but she fondly remembers her great grandmother’s stories about life on the planation in southern Mississippi. She warmly recalls listening to her Nana talking about living in the big house, going to balls, and curiously ordering the other African-Americans around as if they were slaves.

Senator Warren thinks that this is why she and the President have such a close connection: they both think they’re African-American.

©Obamabeans 02/17/2013

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Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, elizbeth warren, humor, indian, jon stewart, native-american, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized

President’s New Focus on Jobs

As several news outlets reported prior to the President’s appearance last night, the principal thrust of the State of the Union address was jobs.  The President admitted that after the Presidential campaign he had forgotten about unemployment being a serious problem for the country.  He stated that, having now mastered skeet shooting, he would have more time to spend on important issues such as this one.

The President then went on to describe the landmark legislation he plans to introduce to Congress on this issue:  “The Full Employment Act for Undocumented Workers of 2013″.  Rather than deal with unemployment and immigration as two separate issues, the President will instead focus on what he termed as “the grand compromise’, new comprehensive legislation that will provide 100 percent employment for all undocumented workers (previously known as illegal aliens). This new legislation will call for increased spending to train undocumented workers to provide them with more marketable skills, empower the EEO to review companies’ hiring processes to ensure they are not discriminating against undocumented workers, and to provide a nationwide series of government owned ATMs, where undocumented workers can go and electronically send their paychecks back to Mexico. The legislation would also provide tax credits for any payments made to “coyotes”, criminals who help smuggle illegals across the border.  [Note: administration officials say that this tax credit should have no effect on the national deficit since very few undocumented workers ever pay any income tax.]

The President also addressed questions as to why his Job Council had not met in over a year.  The President mentioned several reasons, including the time he spent campaigning last year and the aforementioned time committment made to improve his skeet shooting. However, the single biggest reason was his discovery that most of the individuals appointed to the Jobs Council were actually from private industry.  The President realized that they would be overly biased in favor of private sector jobs and not give enough emphasis to creating new government jobs.  He explained that he never would have appointed them if he had know their background.  He also stated that he did not understand why his staff had submitted their names to him for appointment; that they had been vetted through the same exhaustive process used to identify his cabinet appointments.

©Obamabeans 02/14/2013

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Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, economy, humor, immigration, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, unemployment, white house

MSNBC To Offer New Interview Show

MSNBC announced today that it was adding an exciting new interview show immediately following Chris Matthew’s Hardball.  The new program will feature a series of interviews with various famous and powerful people conducted by Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes.  The new show, titled Softball, will debut with an exclusive interview with President Obama that covers in depth several of the issues previously discussed in Kroft’s recent interview with the President on 60 Minutes.

Some of the things to be discussed with the President:

  • What is your favorite color?
  • How did your childhood prepare you for greatness?
  • How much better than Larry Bird would you have been if you had chosen to pursue a career in professional basketball?
  • Would our country truly be a utopia if we didn’t have Republicans?
  • How does it feel to be the world’s smartest person?
  • Is there anything you’re not good at?
  • Will you ever die?
  • Are there any current plans to rename the country after you?

The following week Kroft plans to interview former President George W. Bush.

Some of the questions he plans to ask Bush:

  • When did you decide to become a war criminal?
  • Isn’t it true that everything wrong with the country began with your presidency?
  • Don’t you feel bad about making it so hard for President Obama?
  • Can you prove that you graduated from high school?  Did your father bribe high officials so that you could graduate?
  • Don’t you just hate looking in the mirror every morning?

 

©Obamabeans 02/07/2013

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Filed under 60 minutes, barack obama, dennis miller, G.W. Bush, George W. Bush, jon stewart, media, onion, President Bush, President Obama, sixty minutes, steve kroft, the onion, Uncategorized

White House Discusses Reasons for Its New Immigration Plan

The following report was filed by Bubba Batengrate, Obamabeans beanfield correspondent:

On the heels of the bipartisan immigration plan proposed by the Senate, President Obama has announced his own immigration plan.

Speaking in Las Vegas today, the President explained why the White House decided to propose a separate plan:

“Our Founding Fathers had an everlasting vision for America. An America where the President and Congress worked together to compromise to make law. But the last day of this everlasting vision was yesterday. The time to end it is now. We must recognize that it was a flawed vision because they were flawed men. I have a perfect vision.

‘In that vision, the President has a duty to not only do what is popular, but to do what is right. It is then the duty of the media to make what the President does popular. Our Founding Fathers gave the President this thing called a veto. The veto was to be used to restrain the excesses of Congress. And I will use it to restrain not only the excesses of bipartisanship in this immigration plan proposed by the Senate, but the excesses of bipartisanship everywhere. This is exactly the sort of gridlock in Washington that the American people are so tired of. We owe it to them to do better.”

Approached by reporters as he was carrying a bucket full of nickels, Vice President Joe Biden offered his own theory. “Of course, we’re introducing our own plan. The Senate plan was a good plan, but it wasn’t going to royally piss off the House or humiliate Boehner. And you gotta do both those before passing anything. Otherwise, how do you know how much you could have gotten? And how’s a President supposed to look great if he just lets the Senate steal his thunder like that? Hey, anybody know where I can find the Enchanted Unicorn slot machines?”

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