The White House today announced that they were proposing legislation to privatize the Treasury Department. Spokesperson Jay Carney said that the sale would result in an annual savings of up to one billion dollars. Said Carney “I think most of you know we are not a big fan of privatization here at the White House. But when you look at the large number of investment bank personnel that work at the Treasury Department and realize that they are performing the same functions and advocating the same policies that they did at their former employers, it just makes sense for them to stay at the big banks, do what they’re already doing, and save the tax payers’ money.” Carney said the contract would be awarded through competitive bidding, but that the decision had already been made that the winner would be Goldman Sachs.
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, budget, dennis miller, economy, Goldman Sachs, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
2. “The brass end goes in the back”
After four years of extensive study and deliberation, the Democratic Senate Budget Committee Chairman, Patty Murray, announced last week that every single item in the federal budget is absolutely necessary and actually needs to be increased. Although Chairman Murray agrees with President Obama that the national debt is not a problem, she still believes it would be prudent to raise taxes which is why her new budget includes over one trillion dollars of tax increases. Chairman Murray repeated statements made by President Obama that the tax increase will only fall on the wealthy top 1% of the population.
On a related note, The New York Times reported today that, after four years with President Obama in office and with Democratic stewardship in regards to the economy, the top 1% of the population is now estimated to be anyone making over $23,217 per year.
In a major editorial today in The New York Times, the editors congratulated Pope Francis on his election and urged him to quickly take steps to modernize the Church and to begin to make the Church once again relevant in modern society. Specifically they asked the new Pope to implement the following actions:
- Abandon celibacy as a requirement for the priesthood, while limiting sexual partners to no more than three a day.
- Actively promote abortion as a lifestyle decision.
- Promote the use of contraceptives.
- Embrace homosexuality, except for existing priests who may have been in the closet for years. These priests should be defrocked.
- Formally state that marriage can be between any number of people, any sex, any age, and any species.
- Rename Christmas Kwanzaa.
- Commit to making the next Pope a woman; immediately raise the number of woman priests, bishops, and archbishops to over 50% of the total, even if it means ordaining non-Christian women.
- Accept Islam as equal or superior to Christianity.
- Apologize to all people, living or dead, who may not have liked the Catholic Church, including Maureen Dowd.
- Embrace any other items on the Democratic Party Platform not previously mentioned.
Recognizing the power of tradition which has been present for centuries in the Catholic Church, The Times’ editors stated that the clergy could keep their robes and funny hats but wear them only on holidays.
If the new Pope is willing to make these changes, The Times then recommends he immediately take the following actions to modernize the image of the Church:
- Deliver Mass wearing sandals and a t-shirt.
- Make numerous appearances on Jay Leno, Dave Letterman, and The View.
- Schedule numerous photo ops with the Pope skiing in the Alps and windsurfing in the Caribbean.
- Take up skeet shooting as a hobby and occasionally golf with Tiger Woods.
- Vacation at George Clooney’s villa in the south of Italy.
- Date a supermodel and give her free run of the Vatican.
- Make sure the supermodel presents the award for Best Picture at the Oscars.
- Excommunicate Paul Ryan.
- Nominate President Obama for sainthood.
To encourage the new Pope to quickly take these actions, Maureen Dowd, columnist for The Times, has agreed to quit sending hate mails to the Pope and stop circulating anonymous emails containing a picture of a well known porn star with the Pope’s face superimposed.
The Times editors noted that some critics might say that, if these changes were implemented, the Catholic Church would be no different than the Episcopalians; the editors then iterated that the priests get to keep their robes and funny hats.
Filed under abortion, barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, george clooney, humor, jon stewart, maureen dowd, new york times, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, pope, President Obama, satire, skeet shooting, the onion, Uncategorized
Al Gore announced today that he has written a new book, entitled “The Al Gore Green Energy Wealth Creation System“, which should be on the market by late summer. In the book Gore describes how investors can become wealthy and at the same time promote “green” causes by following his guidelines. Below is a step-by-step summary of his system:
- 1. Investigate emerging “green” technologies.
- 2. Select a technology that is based on its popularity with the media, preferably one which President Obama has mentioned in a speech.
- 3. Contact a well connected political figure who has an interest in “green” causes (someone like Al Gore); offer him a share of your new company in lieu of consulting fees. Have a press conference.
- 4. Contact various rich investors, celebrities including Leonardo DiCaprio, and government agencies requesting seed money. Have a press conference.
- 5. After obtaining funding ($1,000,000 to $10,000,000), hire a small team of engineers and build a working prototype.
- 6. Call a news conference showcasing the prototype. Make sure the public understands that although the prototype cost several million dollars to build, when in mass production the green device would only cost $1.57 a piece. Ask Leonardo DiCaprio to speak.
- 7. Contact investment bankers, preferable Goldman Sachs (due to its political connections); issue a public offering of stock. Plan on raising $100,000,000 million in capital while insuring that you and your consultant still control 51% of the company. Have a press conference. Invite the President to speak.
- 8. Raise $100,000,000 in cash. Have a press conference.
- 9. Give yourself a $5,000,000 salary. Give your consultant $5,000,000 in consulting fees.
- 10. Find a building site. Have a press conference.
- 11. Ask for local and state tax abatements. Have a press conference.
- 11. Hire lots more engineers. Have a press conference. Ask the President to speak.
- 12. Promise to hire a lot more people. Have a press conference.
- 13. Ask for $100,000,000 worth of government grants. Have a press conference.
- 14. After receiving grants, begin construction of plant. Have a press conference.
- 15. Announce that, due to unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
- 16. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him.
- 17. Raise your salary to $10,000,000. Give consultant addition $5,000,000 in fees.
- 17. Announce that, due to more unplanned difficulties, you will require $100,000,000 more in grants. Have a press conference.
- 18. After receiving additional grants, have press conference with President, thanking him again.
- 19. After receiving orders for the new device, based on a $1.57 sales price, issue additional stock. Have a press conference.
- 20. Ask the investment bankers to start slowly selling your shares as well as your consultant’s shares, with as little publicity as possible.
- 22. Tell engineers that you can no longer pay them, but to “hang tough”.
- 23. Notify suppliers that they will need to cut their prices by 50% for the new enterprise to succeed.
- 21. After conferring with your engineers, announce that the new device will actually cost $1,789 a piece and delivery a third of the originally predicted performance.
- 22. File bankruptcy.
- 23. Look for new “green” technology to start all over again.
- 24. Have a press conference. Invite the President.
Although your enterprise ends with bankruptcy, practically everyone emerges as a winner:
- You receive several million dollars in salary, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of your stock.
- Your consultant receives several million dollars in consulting fees, plus millions in capital gains from the sale of his stock.
- Goldman Sachs receives million of dollars in transaction fees for the issuance of new stock.
- Leonardo DiCaprio and other investors get to feel good about investing in a noble cause: “green” energy.
- President Obama gets to make numerous press conferences.
- The engineers got paid during a portion of their tenure at the company; they get to add “green” technology to their resume, and are subsequently hired at a new emerging “green” company.
- Al Gore gets to write a book about it.
- Taxpayers get the satisfaction of knowing that the President is living up to his campaign promises.
Filed under al gore, barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, environmental, green industry, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
After a seven year old boy was suspended from a Maryland school for chewing his pop tart (flavor unknown) into the shape of a gun, seven year olds in the school, angry at the suspension of their friend, reacted with violence. According to various reports, another seven-year old in the same classroom as the suspended boy smuggled a pack of pop tarts into the school yesterday morning. The school was equipped with the latest type of metal detectors and ATF agents are now trying to determine how the boy managed to get the pop tarts into the school.
Once in the school, it is believed the boy distributed eighteen pop tarts to other children. Seven of the pop tarts were then eaten, leaving eleven pop tarts which were subsequently chewed into the shapes of AK-47s, and 9 millimeter Glocks during recess. Upon returning to class, the eleven children, using the pop tart weapons, took their teacher, Auggie Swiftbout, hostage. The seven-year olds then released a list of demands to the school administration. These demands, written with various colored crayons on the back of a library book, included the reinstatement of their suspended classmate, lengthened recess periods, and unlimited Jell-O in the cafeteria. (The list also included a hand drawn picture of a purple giraffe, BUT Police believe that this was irrelevant.) The violence was finally brought to an end when a specially trained SWAT team composed of elementary teachers swarmed the classroom armed with Hello Kitty soap bubble guns. The seven year olds immediately began to bawl, dropped the three pop tart guns which had not been eaten, and surrendered to the teachers.
All students involved are being suspended for the duration of the school year, and upon returning next year, will be required to write “I will not make a gun from pop tarts” fifty times each. Since the incident Mayor Bloomberg has visited the school and praised the elementary teachers who subdued the renegade seven year olds. In his speech he stated that eliminating gun violence was the second most important issue in America, second only to banning 16+ ounce Big Gulps.
Filed under bill maher, dennis miller, gun control, humor, jon stewart, mayor bloomberg, onion, politcal satire, political humor, satire, the onion, Uncategorized
The White House today announced that the British Royal Family recently agreed to loan the British crown jewels, including the Queen’s tiara, to the White House for the next four years. When asked whether any new security measures would be installed to protect the invaluable jewels, White House press director, Jay Carney, stated that, when the crown and jewels were not being worn by President Obama or the first lady, they would be safely kept in the President’s sock drawer.
Filed under barack obama, bill maher, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
After the recent criticism over Seth McFarlane’s performance at the Academy Awards show and the controversy over an Onion writer’s twitter about one of the Oscar nominees, the Editors of Obamabeans believe it’s time to issue our annual apology to anyone, living or dead, who has been offended by one of our articles. Although we strive to be politically correct, it is difficult for our writers to navigate the rather complicated rules involving political correctness, which are not only unwritten but are in a constant state of flux.
Therefore we are excited to announce the publication of “The Obamabeans County Register Guidelines for Politically Correct Speech” sometime later this year. We feel this new book is deeply needed and are rushing to bring it to publication as soon as possible. Perhaps if our book had been available to Mr. McFarlane he might have been dissuaded to sing about seeing famous actresses’ boobs, even though many have been handsomely compensated for displaying said boobs. It might have also kept Alec Baldwin from screaming racial epithets and prevented Joe Biden from speaking at all.
Looking at previous efforts to issue guidelines in this area, we noticed that many were out of date and others suffered from so much political correctness that they didn’t really tell you anything. We at Obamabeans County Register vow to tackle the issues head-on, not pulling any punches. (Editor’s note: This last sentence was a test. “Not pulling any punches” is a masculine phrase and promotes violence. A better, more gender neutral choice of words would have been ” not rattling any staples”. Yes, we know that phrase doesn’t really make any sense, but that’s not the point.) We recognize that our efforts may get some people’s “panties in a wad” (Yes. another test. Better to have said “undergarments in an uncomfortable but nonsexist position”), but we will not let these people stop us; unless they say mean or hurtful things about us which may force us to drop the project completely.
[Update: it has been pointed out to us that the use of the word “boobs” is sexist. If our new guidelines had been available prior to the publication of this article, we might have avoided this mistake: just another great example of why our book is so important. We haven’t completed the female anatomy section of the guidelines yet, so right now we’re going for “upper lady parts” in place of boobs, but this is subject to change.]
Filed under celebrity news, dennis miller, entertainment news, humor, joe biden, jon stewart, media, onion, politcal satire, political correctness, press, satire, the onion, Uncategorized
Various reports emerged today from Washington, D.C. concerning a loud wailing noise that could be heard even in the nearby countryside last Monday. White House officials at first attributed the wailing to thousands of young children in the city who were being deprived of decent meals due to the “sequestration”. But when it was later determined that the wailing actually originated in the plush nearby suburbs, investigators discovered that the noise was coming from thousands of K Street lobbyists who were beginning to see the effects of the “sequestration”.
Filed under barack obama, dennis miller, humor, jon stewart, K Street, lobbyists, onion, politcal satire, political humor, President Obama, satire, sequester, taxes, the onion, Uncategorized, white house
Recently, there have been several articles in the news about the sighting of a mysterious “drone” aircraft near the JFK airport in New York City. Speculation on who was responsible for the drone has ranged from the Chinese to Islamic terrorists to Homeland Security to local hobbyists. Today, however, the mystery was solved. New York City officials told reporters today that the drone belongs to a top secret group inside the New York City Health Department. The drone’s real function was to scour New York City streets looking for people sipping soft drinks from cups exceeding 16 ounces. The Drone, nicknamed “The Big Gulp Gonzo”, accidentally wandered into the air space over the airport when it’s pilot left for a bathroom break. Due to the severe restrictions imposed by the “sequester”, the department had been forced to layoff backup pilots, and consequently no one was piloting the aircraft during the pilot’s break. This arrangement had not caused any problems until that day, when the pilot purchased a supersized burrito from a street vendor (accompanied by a 14 oz soft drink), and developed severe gastronomical distress. The Department of Health is now reviewing its guidlines involving the use of drones and will likely require all pilots to only purchase drinks less than 12 ounces in size.